1. The Unreasonably Gloomy “I Don’t Do The Holidays” Grinch
How to spot one: Mostly keeps to him or herself and claims to have “lots of work to do this time of year… I’m just not one for the holidays.” Thus, the Gloomy Grinch will most likely be found in his or her office/apartment/bed.
Defining characteristics: iPhone/Blackberry always buzzing with “work” emails; droopy eyelids/five o’clock shadow on jaw; during non-Holiday seasons, Gloomy Grinch is AKA your lame friend who goes to bed early and stays in on the weekends. You know the one.
Should you avoid? Nah, they’ll do all the avoiding for your. Just watch.
2.The Ugly Sweater-Wearing Christmas Enthusiast
How to spot one: Typically seen wearing rayon or wool garments embroidered with: snowscapes, deer, “Frosty”-type snowmen, or giant gold bells.
Defining characteristics: Toothache-inducing good cheer and rosy cheeks; arms strung with shopping bags and hands clutching gift-wrapped boxes; ugly sweaters worn Dec 1 – Jan 1; Christmas jingles on audible via their loudness-leaking iPhone earbuds.
Should you avoid? No. These people can be good fun when drunk off hot toddies. Just make sure you’re drunker.
3. The Holiday Orphan Just Kickin’ It In The City With Some Pals
How to spot one: Often found in groups, the Holiday Orphans are often not natives of where they live; their families are elsewhere – at least a 3-hour flight away – and the Holiday Orphans congregate together as a sort of makeshift family.
Defining characteristics: Youth – the Holiday Orphan loses its title when it gets married and/or enters a serious monogamous relationship (see below); laidback holiday attitude via not having to travel.
Should you avoid? No, the Holiday Orphan is a fun friend who just wants to meet you for a drink around the corner and then invite to his other friends’ place for a potluck dinner.
4. The Happy Holiday Couple Whom Everybody Hates
How to spot one: Annoying grinning faces; arms linked around that of their significant other; the Happy Holiday Couple likes to drink cocoa and stroll in the brisk, bracing cold/sunshine, gloating, a smiley-faced black cloud over your sadly single life.
Defining characteristics: Never spotted solo, often dressed up as if going to a lovely brunch at someplace special.
Should you avoid? Yes, just yes. Unless you are on a serious SSRI cocktail.
5. The New Mom Determined To Get Photos Of Her Kid On The Lap Of Every Santa In Town
How to spot one: Hear that crying infant? Did you just go momentarily blind by the glare of millions of slimy snot trails illuminated by the flash of a shopping mall cameraman/elf? A New Mom can’t be far.
Defining characteristics: Diaper bag, baby barf-soiled sweater, stretch pants, sneakers, tired eyes, full hearts.
Should you avoid? Yes. Especially on Facebook.