Open Letter: Heather Thomson, You Are Not A Rapper From 2001

Dear Heather,

First of all, holla. Second of all, please stop saying “holla.”

You are an intelligent, business-savvy woman with a creative mind and great instincts. If Spanx is ripping off your budding shapewear business, then obviously you’re doing something right and I tip the unfortunate fedora I have to wear because I got a photofacial over the weekend to you. You’re great.

You’re also a forty-something white woman who spent her summers in the Berkshires. I understand that you once worked with the likes of Diddy, Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce and that has given you exposure to (how do I phrase this?) the self-made upper class minority community, but you are not one of them. You did not grow up around people who say things like, “you may wanna check yo’self” so it seems like a stretch when this kind of language exits your mouth.

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But who am I to tell you who you are? I only know from what I have witnessed and I’ll just point out this: When you’re lunching or in a meeting, you may toss in the occasional “that’s right, sista!” but for the most part, you speak like an educated white woman from an upper middle class background. When you’re crying in the doctor’s office about your son’s health—and that cannot be easy—there’s not a “you know what mama’s talkin’ about!” in sight. You conduct yourself as though you have a full and proper grasp of the English language and do not put on what you clearly perceive to be some sort of “gangsta” persona.

And here’s why it really needs to stop: The only time you go into full “you best shut your mouth”-mode is when you feel like you’re being attacked or when you want to attack which implies to me that you associate people who say things like, “don’t mother fuckin’ tell me nothin’.” as dangerous people. And I don’t know about your country club, but none of the wealthy middle-aged white women I’ve met go there when feeling the need to defend themselves.

It just makes who you are attempting to emulate look bad. We get it, you’ve worked with rappers, and you were a big name over at Sean John. The world knows that’s why you think you have some kind of “ghetto pass” and it’s not cute. You and the world would be better for your responses sounding something more like, “I don’t appreciate the way you’re speaking about my friend and I will not tolerate it.”

You don’t have to be such a poser. It’s not cute and to some, it could even read as racist (which I know you are not).

I assume that you don’t believe you’re strong enough when you speak the way that you normally do so you put up this “tough” exterior so that everyone, including yourself, will take your words seriously.

Heather, you are scary as fuck just the way you are. Believe that.

God bless,

Molls