10 Questions You Ask Yourself When You’re Drunk
Drinking is the only way I can think of that’ll wash all your sad sober feelings away that doesn’t involve putting yourself through drug dealer drama (the most painful drama I can think of — they’re so aware they have the upper hand) or stealing prescription medication from a hook up. The only problem with this method of distraction is that for every negative thought that you sweep under the rug, a new one, often something more harmful or less rooted in reality appears. And the most interesting thing about this is that no matter who you are and what you are trying to drown out, we all come up with the same set of questions. The answers may be different, but the questions are pretty much always the same. Here are ten of them.
1. “Can I get away with this?”
Whether it’s shoving a lamp in your purse or sneaking off to make out with your friend’s ex, we have all attempted to pull off something that probably wouldn’t even occur to you before you had those six Korean beers and a shot of something that tasted vaguely like licorice but you can’t really be sure because you were also eating licorice.
2. “Do you know who I am?”
This question isn’t just asked out loud by the Reese Witherspoons of the world. There’s something about the hooch that brings out all of our inner divas and you know you’ve given the stink eye to a bartender who’s cut you off or a doorman who won’t let you in because if this motherfucker only knew.
3. “Am I ugly?”
Maybe you’re not being hit on because you can’t hold your head up, maybe your ex is at the party with their new special someone, maybe you’re just really fucking ugly, but who hasn’t been smacked with the insecurity stick while tossing them back?
4. “Why am I friends with these people?”
Alcohol brings out the inner ugly in so many people it’s unlikely that you won’t wind up turning on at least one of your friends while getting shit canned together. A careless pal who teaches you that they don’t give a shit about you when they “accidentally” abandon you at a bar is always a meaningful lesson. Same with the friend who says a little bit too much regarding what they really think about you or your relationship or that one woman show you put on second semester junior year.
5. “I fucked that up, didn’t I?”
Nothing like pickling your insides to send you on a journey of shame and regret, am I right? Fuzzy realizations about blown opportunities, failed relationships and just about anything that’s possible to mess up are the maggots on the dead body that is your “stay in and drink alone” Sunday.
6. “Where am I?”
You go to a house party then you go to a bar then you wind up at a pizza place then you go to another bar and next thing you know, you’re alone in the back of a karaoke restaurant missing a shoe. Classic.
7. “Is this my drink?”
How are you supposed to tell the difference between your vodka soda and the three other vodka sodas next to it on the bar? If you’re under 25 the automatic answer is “whichever one is the most full” and if you’re over 25, the answer is “go home.”
8. “What’s the point?”
This is a question you probably ask yourself all the time but post-margaritas, it’s even more likely that you’ll consider quitting your job, moving home, getting a job at an Old Navy and waiting for your employee discount to kick in so you can buy ill-fitting jeans like the rest of America. Because honestly? Who cares? We’re all going to die and no one’s going to remember us. Look at how we’ve already forgotten all about Maya Angelou.
9. “She hates me, doesn’t she?”
When you’re on one, a simple eye roll can send you shame spiraling. Your biggest fears have come true: You’re insufferable and the people around you only entertain you because… Well, you don’t know why but it’s pretty obvious that your nightmares were right all along: Everyone hates you.
10. “Am I too drunk to drive?”
Yes. The answer is always yes. Call a fucking Uber or sleep it off in your car. Drinking and driving is for divorced dads and children of celebrities.