August 8, 2016

I’m Sorry, But I Will Love You Too Much

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Unsplash / João Silas
Unsplash / João Silas

I’m a hard person to love. And I think it’s safe to say that when people are asked whether they’re an easy or a hard person to love, most would say that they’re the latter. That should make me feel better, for not being the only one in the world like this, but I don’t. I’m not perfect, although no one is. I have my flaws, my insecurities, my issues, my worries, and I carry them around altogether in a suitcase wherever I go. And so, for all these reasons, I’m writing this letter to you, the person I’ll end up with someday, to apologize in advance.

I’m sorry for being moody.
I’m sorry for not letting a week pass by without riding my mood swing. I don’t like being this way but it seemed like I will always be even for all the wrong reasons. I’m sorry for getting mad at the simplest of things that you do, and I’m even more sorry for being mad at you for no particular reasons, too.

I’m sorry for getting sad and emotional most of the time, and I’m sorry for entertaining this feeling and making it worse by doing so. I’m sorry that you have to go through all these with me but I promise to be extra patient when it’s your turn to be the moody one.

I’m sorry for worrying too much.
I’m sorry for worrying about a lot of things—things that normal people don’t worry about, and things that I should actually be worrying about in the future. I will have anxiety attacks and will fret ten times a day, and I’m also sorry about that. I will think of my career and your career, whether we’re doing well or bad, and worry about the obstacles that we have to face.

I will ask you to assure and reassure things for me. I will ask you to tell me that you love me and that you are in love with me over and over again, until I find it too cheesy that I forgot all my worries. Most of all, I will ask you to hold me when I worry because only in your arms will I find comfort.

I’m sorry for the times when I make you feel like I push you away.
I want you to know that each time I try to take a step back, it’s not because I want to leave you or I want you to leave me; it’s because you are too beautiful to be inside my mess. If you love me you will wait and if you truly love me you will understand.

You will understand that I may reject you but that’s because it’s how much I want you in my life. You will understand that I am a work in progress and part of my growth is to help myself be the person I strive to be. You will understand that I have a war inside my heart and your love is the peace that I need.

Lastly, I’m sorry but I will love you too much.
In spite all my shortcomings, this is my vow to you: I will love you with all my heart. I will love you even when I’m moody; for I may feel happy or sad or mad or extremely emotional but my greatest feeling will always be my love for you. I will love you because if there is one thing that I wouldn’t worry about, it’s the love that I have for you—and hopefully yours for me.

I will love you most when I try to push you away because doing so reassures our love for each other; I have so much love for you that I wouldn’t be able to bear bringing you along in the storm inside me, yet you have so much love for me that you would be willing to.

For all these, more than all my apologies, I would like to thank you. Thank you for being understanding. Thank you for being patient. And thank you for being the home I always need whenever I encounter a storm. But love, know this: when the time comes that it’s your turn to give me all these feelings, I will be here. I will be by your side, holding your hand, reminding you that you are loved.

I will do my best to try to save you from all the pain, and when I fail, I will still be here, taking the pain with you. I will be beside you for all the mornings and the nights—and the dusks and dawns in between—looking at your face because I know in my heart that it’s the only thing in the world that I could look at without worrying about a thing. TC mark

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