Chris (A Story About Xanax And Sex)
julian texted me, inviting me to a show in downtown. julian is a drug dealer. he is extremely sociable and generally very unreliable to buy drugs from. i almost always say no when julian invites me to social events. he said he would pick me up at 8 and arrived at my house at 8:35.
during the car ride he told me about having sex with a person he met online who had an ‘insane clown posse’ tattoo. julian is a homosexual. when we arrived in downtown, julian parked the car and pulled a bottle of whiskey from the backseat. he opened the whiskey and handed it to me. he answered his phone and began explaining to someone on the other line where we were parked. i took a sip of whiskey and felt goosebumps develop along my arms and on my spine.
two people arrived and sat in the backseat. they were holding hands and appeared to be romantically involved somehow. julian began crushing xanax and arranging it in lines on the dashboard. julian was talking to the people in the backseat so loudly and quickly that i eventually gave up trying to interact with them. we all took turns snorting lines of xanax and drinking whiskey until both were gone. the car was extremely hot and i felt my face becoming red.
i put on my glasses and grinned when things came into focus. i saw a cockroach walk into a gutter and felt calm. julian held my hand as we walked toward the venue. i said ‘thank you for the drugs’ and he said ‘no problem.’
i gave $5 to a man at the door and he put a stamp on my wrist. inside the venue it was probably 115 degrees. i bought a water bottle and we all walked outside. the girl who was sitting in the backseat of julian’s car took a picture of me with her phone. julian put a cigarette in his mouth and held out the pack to offer me one. i declined. he lit his cigarette with a match.
we watched a woman play music on an acoustic guitar. i had mostly negative feelings about her music in the past but i enjoyed listening to it then. probably because of the drugs. julian sang along to most of her songs. there was a ~5 year old boy on his dad’s shoulders standing next to me. i made a face at the boy and he smiled.
outside, julian put a cigarette in his mouth and asked a man standing next to him for a lighter. the man looked in his late twenties. he had a beard and his hair seemed tangled. he began talking to julian and about various things. i gathered from the conversation that he was a sound engineer and lives in korea town. a girl grabbed julian’s arm and they both left to take a photo with the woman who was playing music earlier. the sound engineer continued talking to me. i nodded and smiled and said things like ‘right’ and ‘yes’ and ‘thats good’. julian came back and said ‘we should go.’ i said ‘it was nice meeting you’ to the sound engineer and he said something about my phone number. i said ‘my phone number is (310) xxx-xxxx and my name is mira.’ i received a text ~5 minutes later that said ‘hi this is chris, great meeting you tonight.’ i replied ‘good meeting you too.’
the next day i received a text from chris that said ‘what are you up to tonight.’ i replied ‘have a dinner to go to around 7.’ chris replied ‘ok when do you wanna meet up.’ i felt weird that he didn’t first ask if i want to see him before asking when i want to see him. i replied ‘i will probably be done with dinner around 9.’
he arrived at my house at 10pm. i got into the front seat of his car and he said ‘where do you want to go.’ i named a 24 hour coffee shop. he said ‘we should go to the beach.’ i said ‘okay’. he pulled over on my street and we walked to the beach. we sat near the shore. a small group of people were smoking pot about 20 feet away from us.
he talked about things for ~10 minutes and i mostly didn’t say anything. he aggressively asserted strong negative opinions about 2-3 bands i had never heard of and accused his mother of being a lesbian.
he said ‘we should lie down.’ i laid down next to him. he rolled over so his body was on top of me and began kissing me. his mouth tasted bitter slightly. he said ‘unbutton my pants.’ i unbuttoned his pants. he was panting loudly in my ear and i felt uncomfortable. i tried to focus on the sound of the ocean and moved some sand around with my toes. he said ‘do you wanna fuck’ and i didn’t respond. he said ‘do you wanna fuck right here, do you even care if those people watch us, does that get you off.’ i said ‘can we go to your apartment instead.’ he said ‘okay if thats what you want.’
he put his arm around me as we walked away from the shore. he said ‘i probably seem like an exhibitionist but im not really.’ i said ‘yeah.’ he said ‘my shits hanging out’ and gestured proudly toward his penis. i looked down and his penis was hanging out of his jeans. i said ‘oh.’
i parked behind his car and we walked into his apartment. it was a one room apartment painted grey. there were CDs and clothes scattered on a table. there was no kitchen. he had a hot plate unplugged on the floor and a few packs of instant noodles. he said ‘this is my apartment’ and i said ‘its nice.’
i sat down on his couch. he sort of skipped once, then jumped or fell on top of me. he started kissing me in a frantic or confused way. he said ‘do you like my dick.’ i looked at his dick. i said ‘it seems fine.’ he said ‘you love my dick.’ i said ‘okay.’ he touched my breast through my shirt. he said ‘what do you fantasize about, do you want two guys to fuck you at once.’ i said ‘i dont feel interested in that’ and tried to not make eye contact. he was moaning and sort of rubbing his penis on my legs/thighs. he said ‘do you think about me when you masturbate.’ i said ‘i met you yesterday.’ he straddled me and began moving his penis around my stomach. i felt worried that he was going to get semen on my shirt. he put his face close to mine and said ‘dont you ever orgasm without my permission’ then touched my mouth with his finger. i said ‘do you mean like, just tonight, or all the time.’ he said ‘i didnt jerk off yesterday.’ i said ‘why.’ we were silent for ~5 seconds.
he said ‘do you wanna fuck.’ i said ‘okay.’ he said ‘you wanna fuck me so bad. tell me how much you want it.’ i said ‘can we not talk for a while.’ he put a condom on and said ‘how do you want me to fuck you.’ i said ‘i dont know.’ he said ‘tell me how you want me to fuck you so i can make you come.’ i said ‘get on top i guess.’ he got on top of me. he began making grunting sounds and seemed out of breath. i closed my eyes. he said ‘call me daddy’ and i didn’t respond. he said ‘youre my little girl. im your daddy. call me daddy.’ i said ‘i dont want to call you that.’ he made a strange guttural noise and i thought maybe he was going to vomit. he said ‘im done’ then rolled over and sat upright on the couch. the sex lasted about ~30 seconds.
i pulled my skirt down and put my hair in a bun. i said ‘how old are you.’ he said ‘im 43.’ i didn’t say anything. he said ‘you have nice breasts.’ i said ‘i have to leave now.’
i walked to my car and drove home.
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Disappointment is a lesson we all need to learn.
3. To Praise Little Victories
You are the desperate stalker, obsessing over every second that passes that you don’t hear anything. You are That Applicant.
What – I believe in love, OK?