11 Things I Need From You
1. I need you to have a gypsy soul like mine, searching, searching, always searching for something more. I need you to be my still point. I need me to be your still point.
2. I need you to love music, music festivals, adventures, summer nights, tall trees, forests, bodies of water, getting in the car and just driving. I need you to love singing badly to country songs, all songs. I need you to not mind sleeping in hammocks and blankets, under stars, even with the mosquitos.
3. I need you to be open. Open to everything. Open to everyone.
4. I need you to understand why I count out the even numbers in everything. Why I still can’t describe a day as “sunny.” Why I don’t like the sound of fireworks. Why my brother is my world. Why my parents are the greatest people I’ve ever known. I need you to understand that I will always says a prayer when I pass a graveyard. That the crosses on the road will always make me sad and anxious. That they sprout up like flowers, in the worst way possible.
5. I need you to be around. I need you to care. I need you to see me as something other than human.
6. I need you to love my family. I need for them to love you. I need for you to love my moms cooking and the brandy and wine my dad makes. I need you to be best friends with my brother. I need for him to respect and love you and think you are good enough for me. I need you to understand the complicated and delicate balance that is the relationship I have with my parents, I need you to understand it in order to help me understand it.
7. I need you to know that sunflowers are my favorite, and I need you to know the reasons why.
8. I need you to need me to stop smoking.
9. I need you to understand that I like holding hands and kissing in public. I like being close to you at all times. I’ll probably want to sit on your side of the booth. I’ll probably feel like you’re pushing me away if you seem uncomfortable.
10. I need you to be absolutely full of life. But I need you to understand and appreciate a day spent in bed, under blankets and covers. Or watching Netflix until your eyes are sore. I need you to not think this is ever a waste of time.
11. I need you to understand that this list is meaningless, because when I fall in love, I fall in love. And there’s no going back from that.
A | A | A
Will it feel the same when you tell me you love me over the phone? Will the peacefulness of those words still floor me from thousands of miles away?
I was conflicted. It felt like one eye was trying to look away while the other soaked it up. I felt the heat rise in my face. This was wrong. But it didn’t feel wrong.
Any nervous flyer knows the progression of descending panic: bile, sweaty palms, social awkwardness and self-induced sedation.
I know how it feels when the weight of darkness crashes down onto your chest in the middle of the night, and how you wish things would stop spinning because the axis seems tilted now. I know, love, I know.