Things Lesbians Say, And What They Really Mean
What they say: “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.”
What they mean: You’re not who I see myself adopting three cats and moving into a cold-water walk-up in Greenpoint with. Sorry.
Alternate meaning: I like you but under no circumstances will I be known as your girlfriend. I’m just not ready for that type of commitment. I still expect you to hang out with me/ text me/ hold my hand/ buy me shots, though.
What they say: “What? Nothing’s wrong.”
What they mean: You just f-cked up. Bad. Don’t talk to me.
Alternate meaning: Absolutely everything in my life is wrong! Try and get it out of me. Come on, you’re not trying. God, do you even care? Try harder. Ask more questions!
What they say: “Do you think she’s hot? I mean, it’s cool if you do…”
What they mean: Omg, you are mentally banging her right now. I can just see it. Just try to lie to me and say no, I dare you. Don’t think I won’t remember this when we go home tonight.
Alternate meaning: How do you think she would feel about a threesome?
What they say: “What are you talking about, I love your friends!”
What they mean: I would rather drink a pint of antifreeze than be forced to fake-laugh at any more of those corduroy-wearing d-bags’ lame stories.
Alternate meaning: I wish you would hang out with them more.
What they say: “I don’t want to talk about it.”
What they mean: If you even think about bringing this up again, we are over. I’m not kidding.
Alternate meaning: We need to talk about it. Extensively. You start.
What they say: “Why are you being distant?”
What they mean: Who are you thinking about right now?
Alternate meaning: If you’re going to break up with me just do it already! I’m not going to sit here patiently while you choose what words you’re going to break my heart with!
What they say: “What do you mean, what do I mean?!”
What they mean: Are you even listening to me? I just told you everything that’s wrong with my life in under two minutes and you ask me what I mean?? You really don’t get it? Ugh, I’m not telling you again. Why are we even together.
Alternate meaning: I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore, I was kind of hoping you did.
What they say: “Babe, we need to talk. About us.”
What they mean: I hope you don’t have anything important to do within the next fourteen hours, because that’s how long it will take to get through everything.
Alternate meaning: I don’t know how to say this without admitting I went through your phone, but you’re in trouble.
What they say: “I was basically sober all night, I only had three beers!”
What they mean: I got completely sh-thoused and may or may not have groped the DJ, the bouncer and your best friend.
Alternate meaning: I got completely sh-thoused and may or may not have groped the DJ, the bouncer and your best friend. And I accidentally hit your credit limit. Oops.
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Yo, don’t judge me for getting my eyebrows waxed, you uncivilized sucker!
Your best friend is the person you can confess your deepest fear to as well as your second deepest fear: that the population at large will discover the thing you fear most is accidentally hitting ‘like’ when you are a year and a half deep into your crush’s Instagram.
In an idyllic world of complete emotion control, this might be sound advice. But truth be told, I’m still trying to find out how to do that. It doesn’t matter how often I tell myself nobody has the power to make me feel a certain way, except me.
And I got what I wanted — a dream arrangement that allowed me to live my life without compromises.