September 14, 2011

7 Types Of Lesbians You’ll Find In A Gay Bar

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What is the issue?
A relatively small sampling of the many different types of girls who like girls you can expect to encounter in gay bars nationwide. If you don’t come across any of these, you are clearly not at a gay bar.

The Plastic Dyke

The Plastic Dyke never has a hair out of place, most likely because it is frozen in time with the help of five different kinds of hairspray and pomade. You’ll know her when you see her: shiny combat boots, tight pants sagged low enough to show off three pairs of designer boxers, several studded belts, and a multitude of shirts color-coordinated with a vest, a blazer and a bomber jacket. There is doubtlessly a bandana in the mix. Her self-consciously assembled yet irreverently edgy outfit sends the dual message of “I layer like a pro” and “No really, I’m gay,” somehow girls mistake this for originality and genuine sex appeal. You can actually catch this one posing.

Can also be found at: 7-Eleven buying Four Loko with pocket change

The Constantly-Pegged-As-Straight Ultra-Femme

This girl shows up at the bar in 6-inch heels, a skintight mini, a pound of makeup and two feet of cleavage, but nine times out of ten ends up boozy, dejected, and in a cab to Taco Bell by the end of the night. Even though she wants nothing more than to get piledrived by an aggressive butch, everyone just assumes she’s too pretty to be gay and leaves her alone. After she gets ignored by the bartender for at least fifteen minutes, she will post up at the bar, pop her hip, sip her cocktail, flip her hair, and check her phone every three minutes, all the while shooting off “come bang me” vibes toward the herd of masculine girls hanging around obliviously.

Can also be found at: Starbucks, the MAC counter

The Under-Rager

Deliberately wears long sleeves to hide the obnoxious black X’s on her hands. Before she gets kicked out for doing shots under a table, she will have successfully banged a 28-year-old peroxide blonde in a bathroom stall. She will feel a swell of pride and accomplishment for this but make sure to act like it’s NBD.

Can also be found at: School

The Deceptively Sexy Faux-Butch

This is the girl femmes cream over. She is, for lack of a better word, smoking hot–she puts the short hair, tattoos, great arms, and genuine swagger on display as far as the eye can see, and she’s not sorry. Unfortunately, she is also the embodiment of the “butch in the streets, femme in the sheets” archetype. She can fix your car, kill a spider, shotgun two beers at once and grill out with your dad, but you’ve got a better chance at getting a compass to point South than getting this one to give you good top. She’s aggressive and dominating in all other areas of life, but get her in bed and she’s the one throwing her legs up. This behavior usually elicits a suppressed “WTF?” reaction from the unsuspecting femme who took her home under the false assumption that she scored herself a daddy.

Can also be found at: Home Depot, roller derby

The Frat Boy Prototype

As the title suggests, this one is essentially a frat boy in girlie form. She burps loudly and unapologetically, still plays Edward Forty-Hands with her housemates, and is able to quote Fight Club and Family Guy in her sleep. She may or may not actually be in college. Trappings of the Frat Boy Prototype include cargo shorts, a crew cut, plaid boxers, and the requisite Live Strong bracelet. On the dance floor, she will soulfully lip sync to Lil Wayne and prematurely grab your ass. She actually enjoys missionary.

Can also be found at: The beer pong table

The Starry-Eyed New Girl

Fresh off the boat from the straight side, this girl has absolutely no idea what she’s getting herself into. Though she has “experimented” with girls in the past, she has always envisioned herself ending up with a guy–until now. Excited about no longer having to S anyone’s D or panic about late periods, she embraces the lesbian life with hopeful enthusiasm. She has no idea how to approach women and can often be seen missing her mouth with the bottle of Blue Moon she’s attempting to swig from while checking them out. She is also under the strange, naïve impression that dating women exclusively will make for deep, fulfilling relationships marked by partnership and mutual understanding.

Can also be found at: J.Crew, brunch

The Lesbian Who Hates the Gay Bar

This girl just wants to go home. The only reason she is at the bar is because her friends dragged her there, and all the drunken idiots around her only serve to reinforce the newly-formed conviction that she is never going out again. She can be seen sipping a whiskey soda through pursed lips, adjusting her cardigan, and sighing/rolling her eyes/scoffing at all the debauchery going on. It’s times like these she wishes she were straight – until she realizes that means she would have to be straight, which is too much of a cliché and therefore not worth it. Someone will inevitably spill a drink on her before the night is over.

Can also be found at: Home on her couch with her girlfriend and cats TC mark

image – Chen Zhao

Mila Jaroniec

Mila Jaroniec lives and writes in New York. You can read her super short fiction on various places on the internet …

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