November 21, 2016

This Is How To Live With Yourself When You Were The Toxic Ex-Girlfriend

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What is the issue?
Unsplash, Stas Svechnikov
Unsplash, Stas Svechnikov

You have to stop romanticizing your breakup.

The truth is, he doesn’t sit up in bed at night pining for you. Don’t ever let yourself hope that he does, because you know that he doesn’t. And if you do hope so, well, it pretty much confirms that you don’t care about him. Because why would you wish that pain on anyone?

The truth is, he doesn’t think about the what ifs. Because there are no what ifs. There are only that’s just the way things are now. You have to remember that life doesn’t happen in your own imaginary world. Life is the things you say and do — not the things you wish you said and did.

And frankly, you had nothing that was worth fighting for. Nothing. You know that, deep down.

Let’s face it. Whatever triggered the breakup wasn’t the real reason behind the split. Everything had already fallen apart before it even started, because you can’t pretend to care about someone that you don’t. You can’t lie to yourself about loving someone when what you really love is the way that they loved you.

This overwhelming ache you’re feeling in your chest now, the ache that makes you think you love him, that’s not love either.

That’s guilt.

You can’t love him, because you don’t even know him anymore. Sure, you know his name and some arbitrary details about him that will be lost within you forever. But you don’t truly know him.

You never did.

You’re hurting, because you’re realizing that you never cared about the person you thought you loved. Because you’re realizing exactly how empty and callous you are. And you don’t want to live with that realization.

I know you want a chance to right your wrongs. I know you’re truly shattered by what you did. And I believe you. I believe you, because I know you’re not a bad person, just a very rash and insecure one.

I forgive you for making those mistakes. I forgive you for rushing into this without knowing what love meant. I forgive you for not being kinder when you should have been. I forgive you for the tantrums and the spiteful words and for obsessing over things you shouldn’t have.

You can’t take a knife that stabbed someone and expect it to heal him. The best thing you can do is to be thankful that he stopped you from stabbing him. To be thankful that he stopped caring. To know that you weren’t right for each other and that he’ll find someone else who pours honey over all the cracks you made.

And eventually, you will learn to love better. TC mark

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