Thought Catalog
April 18, 2017

You Deserve Better Than Me

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Unsplash / Manuel Del Moral

Believe me, I wanted to be the one walking down the aisle. I wanted to be the one who shed a tear while taking steps closer to you and to the continuation of our story.

Who am I kidding, I still want to be the one. But I’m afraid I can’t do that to you. You deserve peaceful nights.

At one point you will ask for some “me” time and you deserve it. You deserve to try something new without thinking of anyone else. You deserve to be understood and loved fully.

I know I can’t do all these things, because I will nag you to go outside with me in the middle of a work night. I will start fights for the pettiest of all reasons. I will act like a brat every time you choose to be alone or be with your friends over being with me. I will feel bad and be quiet whenever you do something on your own.

There will be times where I won’t understand you and I will treat you poorly because of that. I can turn your perfectly planned nights into misunderstandings.

I’m not the picture perfect one. I will never be and I will never try to be.

You are you. You are this young man, burning with passion and dedication to numerous things that spark interest in your soul.

You are loved by many, and a loving person yourself. You never weigh anything as you give with all your heart, never expecting anything in return.

You have been scarred, taken advantage of, but none of those things ever made a scratch on your heart of gold. You do not think highly of yourself as you are a simple man, wanting to live a simple life even though you deserve so much more than what you dream of.

But I’m a risk-taker. I take any opportunity presented to me. This world is full of unexplored fantasies I have yet to discover and I just want to do it all. Now.

I want stability, but I am easily distracted from my long-term plans and goals. I’m spontaneity, recklessness, and trembling knees rolled into one.

I often speak what I feel and sometimes I regret what I say. I’m nowhere near organized or planned. I am nights of crying, overthinking, and anxiety. 

I am always unsure — well maybe not always. There was this one time where I grabbed your hand as we were walking through the city. I acted normal, scared of how you would react. I knew nothing of how you felt about me and took a risk.

You didn’t look at me with judgmental or confused eyes. You carried on walking, then you squeezed my hand and gave a small smile. That was when I realized I would never let go. I would cling to your hand with all that was left of me. And you let me.

They say I played with fire. That it was such a risk to put myself out there, devote myself to someone who’s completely different.

But I say you played with fire. You tamed me in those moments I felt like exploding. You held my hands when they were sweating and I was shaking too hard. You kissed my worries goodbye.

I was always scared, but your presence made me feel like going into the dark with a friend who would never leave me. And you never left me. Because I did that part and left you.

I don’t think I will love anyone as fully as I have loved you. I don’t think I will regret the choice I made either.

It hurts like hell, man. But when I saw you tearing up, watching a girl in a beautiful white gown walking towards you, I knew it was all worth it. TC mark