Thought Catalog
June 5, 2017

This Is Why It’s Hard For An INFJ To Find Love

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What is the issue?
Ant Rozetsky

INFJ – Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging, as the rarest personality type in the world’s population, the ‘advocate’ can sometimes be hard to understand, and people often misunderstand our actions.

In all honesty, I did not jump on the bandwagon to test my personality type previously. It was rather recent, when a friend casually talked about her personality type and how it was a form of self-discovery that got me intrigued about the test. I went on to complete the long list of questions and got an “INFJ”. But to ensure that I really am an INFJ, I went on to other websites that offer similar tests and did them. All of the results showed that I am, indeed, a true blue INFJ.

The websites offered succinct explanations of the typical behaviors of an INFJ, and it is the part about how an INFJ loves that shed light, or rather, perfectly explains why I have such as critical view towards modern dating.

Essentially an idealist, an INFJ has her own ideals and standards when it comes to love and relationship, and she does not fall easily. In fact, it would take some time to break down their mental barriers and initial resistance before they allow themselves to fall. Personally, I have been told, by several people, that I am picky and it would be difficult for me to find love.

Indeed, at one point in my life, I questioned myself, ‘why are you so picky?’ ‘Can’t you just settle?’ and ‘you are really gonna end up as a spinster’ – these questions have been repeated relentlessly at the back of my head.

In this age where the concepts of modern dating – almost relationships, ghosting, open relationship and casual hook-ups, an INFJ like myself finds it extremely arduous to fit in. I can’t grasp the concept of “commitment issues,” neither can I comprehend why it is so easy for people to break someone’s heart and walk away as if nothing has happened.

To an INFJ, having ‘commitment issues’ is an excuse. Because one does not simply poach another individual, steal her heart and then leave it broken. Because those ‘commitment issues’ are non-existent, it is a mere excuse for irresponsible man-child to continue their selfish pursuits in this age of modern dating.

Modern dating has engendered this unnecessary empathy for men who simply aren’t mature enough to shoulder their responsibilities. No, these men are not broken, these men did not suffer from a bad break up, and they certainly do not have psychological issues. Modern dating has made it so easy for this man-child to walk away freely. Modern dating is doing INFJ a disservice by glorifying almost relationships and non-commitment.

Which brings me to another point, an INFJ often takes a long time to let go and heal from an ‘almost relationship.’ Modern dating is very much against our ideals and our beliefs, and so, we could never picture ourselves in such an arrangement. Thus, when we realized that we have been involuntarily put in such a position, we end up questioning ourselves and giving ourselves a hard time to let go.

When an INFJ loves, she loves hard. It might take her some time to accept your existence, but when she does, she will ensure that she’s the most dedicated and understanding lover ever. TC mark