The thought of being in a relationship or even going on a date fills me with a gut-wrenching anxiety comparable to indigestion. It’s an unpleasant feeling and I want it to go away. This is a somewhat scandalous statement considering that only just a few months ago I was the pioneer of love, romance, and the fairytale happy ever after. However I think a cocktail of countless bad dates, hopeful starts but disappointing finishes has led me to a realistic summary:
There is no Disney inspired happy ending. Just bitterness, uncertainty and feelings of, “Why do I even bother?”
As it stands I can’t see myself dating for the foreseeable future. Just the thought of speaking to another filtered profile picture and responding with the generic, “I’m fine thanks, and you?” automatic reply when asked, ‘’How are you’’ by another self-centred pouting moron fills me with enough dread and despair to feed an entire 3rd world country.
I think my years worth of dating disasters has taught me a valuable lesion:
People are disappointing, so prepared to be disappointed.
Dating is a painful experience. I mean really painful, as in no pain is even imaginable or comparable to it.
Every time I go on a date I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience — watching myself go through that pain of having to go through the same thing all over again. It’s gotten to the point where I’d rather do anything else but go on a date. For example, I would rather stay in the warmth and confines of my bedroom, order a takeaway pizza, and indulge in back to back marathons of The Walking Dead.
Just the thoughts of trying to appear somewhat attractive and presentable like a prized cow at an auction farm, to than trek the long arduous journey on public transport to the date destination and awkwardly wait as my date texts me saying he will be 30 minutes late is just something I never want to go through again. It pains me; it really does.
Dating is draining both mentally and physically. It is soul destroying and blackens the very fabric of my being. It ruins confidence, destroys self-esteem and you come out as a far worse person after a date as a result. And for what? Why do we put our health and wellbeing through so much torture and suffering? To get a sufficient other? To fill the void of loneliness? For affection and sex? Because we don’t want to die alone?
At the end of the day we will end up hurt, jaded and disappointed. So why not avoid the inevitable now before we sign up to yet another empty and soulless dating app where the swipe of a strangers thumb indicates your value and worth.
Me, bitter? Never!