23 Hilarious Tweets You Absolutely Need To Read Today
By Michael Koh
"OPEN THE DOOR IT'S THE POLICE"
who is it?
"POLICE"
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
"how does he not know what a police is"— probably not a whale (@midnightwhale) July 12, 2014
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 15, 2011
*Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech* and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma
— dr dipshit (@lil_aracuan) May 20, 2013
sometimes, one tweet is all you need pic.twitter.com/jE2KgSXbs8
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) May 14, 2013
gorls r soft, nice and like kniitting, giggling, playing dress up,
boys: like fotball, skulls, playing kick the old granma— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) October 1, 2014
Zooey Deschannel stabs you. "why?" She stares at you with her blue eyes, "Idk I'm just so wacky and random!" And she starts playing ukulele.
— The Business Boy (@PajamaBen_) April 1, 2013
2045: No more fish in the sea. No one knows how to comfort broken up singles anymore. "There are plenty of elephan- no they're extinct too."
— crappy face pic (@Crappy_Face_Pic) November 18, 2013
you better not shout, you better not cry, you better ingredients, better pizza, papa john's
— π ππππππ πππ ππ πππ (@melip0ne) June 9, 2013
https://twitter.com/yaboybillnye/status/445726344421593089
https://twitter.com/goodbyeevery1/status/372842974662512640
https://twitter.com/EJGomez/status/364558549940445184
eat shit, dude who cut in line at wendy's, now i'm gonna imagine you being nude and make fun of you in my mind ok wow nice balls actually
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 10, 2013
https://twitter.com/BeardSpice/status/517064494598483968
Taken 4: Granted
— Lyle Clippart (@Kyle_Lippert) September 30, 2014
β« Hush little baby /
don't say a word /
You're a stupid baby /
you don't know words β«— greg (@GrowlyGrego) June 24, 2014
"problem, officer?"
I followed you for 3 miles and you stared at your beard in the rearview mirror the entire time…but now I can see why— brent (@murrman5) October 1, 2014
My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
— β‘οΈCarly Dangerβ‘οΈ (@carlyken) September 30, 2014
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*— Thynebear (@Thynebear) November 21, 2013
Sprayed a spider with Axe body spray to kill it but now his name is Chad and he is banging all the girl spiders. My house is infested.
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) March 3, 2014
https://twitter.com/blopt/status/442127152243171328
my sweatpants say "unlimited breadsticks" across the butt
— ghost mom (@radtoria) March 19, 2014
https://twitter.com/AlexIsCool69/status/392012158646497280
If you took out somebody's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail.
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) September 25, 2014