March 26, 2013

Why I Reject The Idea Of Hooking Up

Report This Article
What is the issue?
TC Flickr
TC Flickr

I’ve heard from a number of various sources that among the culture of 20-something courtship, the idea of actual, formal dating is dead. It has been replaced by group hangouts and nights out at the bar where, and I’m not exactly sure how it happens but I suspect it has something to do with alcohol, if two people like each other, they will sleep together at the first opportunity that presents itself.

Then, as I’m sure you’ve all read in some fashion on this site, they will try to navigate the feelings they have, whether elation or disgust, in the hours of the early morning and for days after.

According to a Valentine’s Day post on ‘RealBeauty.com’ last year, the statistics of people’s relationship status on Facebook reflected that, of the 900 million users worldwide, 37.4% are single, 31% are married, and 21.6% are listed as being in a relationship.

That seems normal. But a growing concern is the 2% who say ‘it’s complicated’ and the 1.2% who say they are ‘in an open relationship’. Together, that 3.2% of Facebook users amounts to about 29 million people who label themselves in an alternative relationship grouping. These are the people who are either unclear or uncaring of what a relationship with someone else means or, in my opinion, should mean.

I’d also venture to say that there’s a vast majority more who don’t bother to update or validate their numerous one-night sexual conquests in the world of social media simply because of the impermanence of it all. Who can be bothered to keep track of all the sex they’re having anyway? /sarcasm.

Facebook relationship declarations are nothing if not permanent, at least for the foreseeable future. You don’t change that status until you have something tangible that’s been agreed upon by both parties. Something that you both feel means something important.

It seems delusional to think that the peers in my age group who aren’t in committed relationships are out every night partying and having sex, but that seems to be what the mass media thinks, and what they’re frantically trying to tell everyone who’s stupid enough to believe it. That may have been the experience in college, but we’re 27 now, three years from 30, shouldn’t we be focusing on things that matter and things that will last?

I know that I, at least, settled down a long time ago. Call it laziness or anxiety or being an introvert, but I came to the conclusion that drinking a lot of alcohol and staying up till the wee hours of the morning trying to get laid, although fun when used sparingly, doesn’t exactly fit my vibe.

I’d much rather be comfortable in my bed by 9 or 10 drifting slowly to sleep to the sound of some slow indie song. That seems to be the preference of many of my friends as well. We’ve all slowed down. Some of us have even given up drinking altogether.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for pursuing the carnal, but for some rotund, slowly-balding, slightly-ugly oaf like myself, the pursuit has just started to seem a bit futile.

I’d much rather be warm and comfortable in my pretty nice apartment than to be out at some dingy dive bar getting shitfaced and seeking some iteration of ‘whoopie’.

In high school, college, and even some strange adult circles, the number of notches on your bedpost is correlative of exactly how much of a man you are. Thankfully, I’ve moved past that sad and somewhat desperate paradigm and the culture of ‘being a man’ needs to move on too.

To have meaning in your life beyond how many sexual partners you’ve had speaks, I think, to a level of maturity and that strange notion of adulthood we’ve all been recklessly hurtling towards.
The simple truth is, although I’m sure some would disagree, the idea of being anything other than monogamous with someone seems cheap and a bit deviant. Getting your rocks off with someone you don’t want to see in the morning also seems particularly rude to me. It’s a waste of time and it shows that you don’t have much respect for your partner, let alone yourself.

I have long held the notion that being intimate with someone is a big deal and not something that should be taken so lightly, I want it to count. I’m more than willing to forego bumping uglies with some rando on the nightly if it means that my d is working on building meaningful relationships. There are just too many feelings involved and it seems like some giant mess I’d rather not fall into.
I guess you can thank my happily married parents who’ve been together for 35 years for showing me what a quality relationship looks like.

Some would say I’m too nice a guy, or worse, a pussy, for never ‘sealing the deal’ but I’d have to say that to do anything else shows just how deluded one can be by the over-arching alpha culture of ‘being a man’.

It’s not just men who choose to fuck everything that moves, the ladies like it too, but seeing as how I’ve never had the experience of being a woman I can’t comment on what they’re thinking about the whole thing. Also, don’t get me started on double standards and slut-shaming because I don’t do that shit, if you wanna have sex with a lot of people go do it, I won’t think any differently of you.

I just want it to matter and orgasms willy-nilly don’t seem like they’d be very fun without a bit of laughter and the warmth of a meaningful connection.

If choosing to care about feelings and being respectful to my lady and myself means I’m a pussy, then yes, I am one big, rotund, slowly-balding, slightly-ugly oaf of a pussy. TC mark

Buy Michael's eBook, "Schizophrenic Connections," here.

Buy Michael’s eBook, “Schizophrenic Connections,” here.

Michael Hedrick

Michael Hedrick is a writer and photographer in Boulder, CO. His work has appeared in Salon, The Week, Scientific …

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 68,853 other followers