June 11, 2016

What It’s Honestly Like Being A Guy Who Is ‘Quick To The Draw’

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What is the issue?

For guys, this can be a debilitating topic. It is not a topic you are going to bring up with a group of guy friends usually because they will just end up making fun of you for it, making you feel even worse. It can be difficult to talk about with a girl, especially if you have had friends who are girls who complain to you about it this issue, or if a girl you are sleeping with makes sarcastic side comments to you about it. She may even tell you straight up to last longer while having sex. (Have had that happen.)

Some people argue that things like these are mainly psychological, and it does play a part, but for me it is more physiological. How do I know this?

Because I’m on an anti-depressant called Zoloft primarily for the reason that one of its side effects is that it delays ejaculation. Without an anti-depressant, I tend to ejaculate during foreplay while still fully clothed. I have that extreme of an issue. It has happened to me more than once, and oh boy does it shut down any momentum in the bedroom.

Depending on the dosage of Zoloft, with a condom on I can usually last from 20 seconds to a minute. It isn’t the ideal time I would like to last and I have tried other techniques to get my control better or to delay it, but they haven’t worked out that well. But this isn’t about techniques that may help with that, instead it is about how it has affected my life in negative ways. So let’s get into that.

1. I Started To Dread And Sometimes Even Avoid Sex.

Before I started taking an anti-depressant that helped with delaying ejaculation, I started to become uncomfortable with pursuing a girl long term. I’d start to pursue her, and then once we got physical, a quick finish would happen again while my clothes were on and then I’d pull away from that point forward.

As you might expect, it made me extremely insecure about dating. Over time this boiled into frequent anxiety and depression because of my inability to develop a relationship with a woman because of this fear. (This was one among many reasons why it was difficult for me by the way)

Some people would be surprised to hear of these troubles because I can come off as charming and confident, but that is only in certain aspects of my life and at certain times.

Starting on an anti-depressant for this reason has been helpful. It has made things easier, but I’m still insecure about it because even though I last longer, to constantly be finishing within a minute isn’t ideal. It hindered me psychologically in my last multi-month fling thing. As time went on, and she realized that things weren’t going to change with my ability to last longer, I sensed her becoming slightly annoyed at it. It caused me a lot of anxiety and dread about sex. It may have been all in my head, but from what I picked up on, it didn’t seem that way.

I’ve started to dread sex, which is horrible because in a new relationship the sex is hopefully really awesome, but instead for me it becomes awful and difficult after the first few times. This is the psychological aspect of it in play, but I can’t bring myself to just accept it and expect a girl to deal with it. I suppose I could just put on a strap on…

There were other issues that caused me to end my last fling, but this was definitely a big reason for me ending it.

Since that last excursion, I’ve dipped my toe into the dating world, but I always pull it out quickly. My interest in it has waned. It probably also doesn’t help that a possible side effect of Zoloft is decreased sex drive. So it helps delay ejaculation, but it also may make me less likely to even want sex. Lovely.

2. Depression and Anxiety Increased

Without any medication, my depression and anxiety increased because of the shame my PME caused me to feel. When I went on an anti-depressant to help the issue, it helped delay ejaculation somewhat, but the issue didn’t resolve completely and my depression and anxiety was still present when it came to sexual relationships.

I’m in therapy now, and work on myself a lot, but it is a slow journey to come to terms with PME and work on trying to last longer by self-practice. I’m working on myself as a whole, and premature ejaculation is one of the many pieces that I need to resolve, whether by continual self-acceptance or some other way.

If someone you know is struggling with premature ejaculation, it is probably safe to assume that it is causing them a lot of internal stress, unless they don’t care at all about pleasing their sexual partner, then it may not cause them any stress at all.

3. Exacerbated my intimacy issues

The first few months to a year of a relationship are supposed to be the honeymoon period. You’re supposed to become more intimate as this period progresses. The sex is supposed to be a lot of fun.

For me it isn’t.

I start to clam up, unable to be intimate, as it dawns on her that my issue of not lasting long is not going away anytime soon. We then drift apart, as I withdraw into myself, dreading seeing her because of having to have sex. I already have a difficult time being intimate for other reasons, and PME just adds a whole new layer to the issue.

This wasn’t an easy article to write, but I know it will help me in the long run in terms of my self-acceptance of my struggles with this. If you are a guy struggling with this issue, know that you are not alone, and that you should go to a doctor and talk to them about it. It is embarrassing at first to talk about, but it does become a little easier over time. Don’t let an issue like this hurt your wellbeing like it has hurt mine. TC mark

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