It has been about two years since my last relationship.
The breakup was everything the word itself entails and a myriad of disasters one after another. It was a breakup that pushed me over the edge — but eventually, I picked myself back up again.
When I look back at those darkest moments of my life, I wonder how close I was.
How close I was to giving up on love and even life. I couldn’t imagine myself being in a new relationship let alone living past the age of 25.
Today, as an older, wiser, stronger woman, I’ve recently and unexpectedly found myself in a new relationship.
I was skeptical at first and I have to admit, it still scares me every now and then.
Date after date, as the relationship slowly and beautifully blossomed at just the right pace, there were moments where I wanted it all to stop. No matter how slowly we were taking it, somehow it wasn’t slow enough.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a new relationship. I wasn’t sure I was ready to share my world; the one that once was so broken. The one I’d spent much of the past two years rebuilding for myself.
Only to risk it all again for another guy? At times I wondered if the safest option for me was to be single for the rest of my life. (I know, I’m crazy.)
Not only am I afraid to get hurt again but I’m afraid to lose myself. To lose myself to love and lose myself to another potential heartbreak.
But this guy — this amazing guy — makes me smile just by being around, never fails to make me feel safe, and most of all makes me hope for the best.
When I’m conflicted with doubts, I remember the warmth and comfort I feel when I’m with him.
When I try to convince myself I may be better off alone, much safer on my own; I can’t help but look forward to our next adventure, whether it’s dinner at a trendy restaurant or just taking my dog to the park.
“What’s the catch?” I keep asking myself. There’s no catch. You can’t go into every new relationship thinking, “this might be too good to be true.” Because everyone is different. Every new relationship at the start gives you an assortment of those honeymoon happy feelings and those gut-wrenching, sickening doubts.
You can’t let anything get in the way of your happiness. You can’t do anything else but hope for the best. After all I’ve been through, I know this new relationship is something I deserve more than anything.
I deserve another chance at opening up.
I deserve someone who makes me feel proud to be me.
I deserve someone who’s not afraid of my insecurities, my flaws, or my mistakes.
He’s someone I know I can be a perfectly imperfect human with, because he just gets it. He gets me and why most of the time, I just want to stay home with my dog and read. He gets me and how I stay up all night overthinking all the ways I might’ve disappointed people. He gets me because he knows what I’ve been through and he’s still willing to try.
For that, he deserves a girl who can only do the same for him and more.
Because he deserves someone as much as I do. He deserves someone who will give him a chance, the same kind he’s giving me.
Maybe I’m a little too broken for him, but there’s only one way to find out: we have to try.
These scary thoughts my mind allows to wander, they’re nothing but escalated versions of ones I’ve had before. They’re the same monsters under the bed I’d grown up with through every relationship.
I’ve been heartbroken in the past. You have. He has. We all have. But never once did I ever regret it. That guy back then, the guy that broke my heart, is no longer in my life now.
I think of him much differently than I did when we first met, when we first started dating, and even when we first said those three words; but I never once regretted him being a part of my life.
Because way back when, before that guy became someone I once loved and then lost, when he was just a new guy I wasn’t sure of. I couldn’t do anything else then but hope for the best.
It’s a simple thought but one we often have trouble believing: he is not like the others.
He may not hurt you the way the last one did. But for all you know, you may be the one that might hurt him one day.
We can’t let ‘what ifs’ get in the way of something potentially wonderful or we’ll never be happy.
I don’t know where this new relationship will take us. I don’t know what to expect.
All I know is that you can’t ignore the way someone makes you feel or the connection established with another human being.
It’s rare, it’s beautiful, and it’s worth the risk.
All you can do is be as honest as you can be, open up your heart a bit more than the last time, and trust that this relationship takes you on a journey that you’ll never forget, one worth writing about.
Whatever happens: I’m stronger than I was two years ago. I’m even braver than I was six months ago. There’s no more room for secrets or insecurity, no time for closed doors and unbreakable walls.
With faith, trust, patience, and confidence in this new relationship, I know all I can really do is be my fullest self and just hope for the best.