1. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
2. Why was the snowman smiling?
He could see the snowblower coming down the street.
3. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?
Their balls are just ornamental.
4. Why is Santa so damn jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
5. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?
They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.
6. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
7. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?
He only comes once a year.
8. Why did the Snowman want a divorce?
Because his wife was a total flake.
9. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?
When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
11. Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.
12. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Cause she married to a guy who comes once a year.
13. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
14. What do three hos get you?
One very jolly Santa.
15. How does Santa stay STD free?
He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
16. Dreaming of a white Christmas?
Jingle my balls, baby.
17. What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.
18. I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
19. Why does Santa go to strip clubs?
To visit all his ho ho ho’s.
20. Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
21. Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…
22. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…
Can I visit between the holidays?
23. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.
24. Boy: Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!
Girl: Are you Hall? Cause I wanna deck The Hall.
25. How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
You do a bunch of work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
26. So my girlfriend wanted a white Christmas…
But when I came on her face that morning, she didn’t even thank me.
27. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…
I’m just THAT happy to see you.
28. What do a train set and your wife’s boobs have in common?
They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.
29. How do snowmen make babies?
Snowballs, of course.
30. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
31. What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays?
A ho ho ho bag.
32. Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
33. What does The Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs.
34. What do you call Santa’s helpers?
35. Christmas is so stupid…
Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.