Thought Catalog
July 28, 2015

13 Desperate Men Explain Why They Go To Strip Clubs

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What is the issue?

1. “My girlfriend gets tired of having sex with me. She won’t admit it. But it’s true, particularly after a long day of work. My urges, though, never subside. To borrow a line from Dexter, my sex drive is my ‘dark passenger’ and I literally see pink everywhere and I have to find a way to release it. Otherwise, I’ll go crazy and just think about sex until my head explodes. I think my girlfriend would also break up with me because she would feel way too much like a sex doll. I’m doing us all a favor. I know no one will believe me, but my desire for women is like a disease. ”

— Patrick, 26

beetlejuice

2. “I have a system to all of this to stay in the morally safe zone. I’ll never initiate going to a strip club. One of my friends has to do it and it’s just a guys’ night then that wasn’t my idea. Luckily I hang out with a lot of creepy guys and probably go once a month.”

— Daniel, 23

beetlejuice

3. “Listen, the kind of girl guys like me want to find at a strip club is a unicorn. She doesn’t exist in real life. Actually, she doesn’t exist in the club once they turn the lights on. It’s all an illusion of sexiness, whereas my wife is a real person that I love till death do us part or whatever. Uh, when I hit a club I don’t even feel like I’m cheating at all. I’m in a fantasy. I don’t expect my wife to understand this and I don’t even try to explain to her what going to a club like this is like for me. She would not take it the right way and freak out over nothing.”

— Kevin, 43

beetlejuice

4. “If my girlfriend and her friends would get naked and jack me off for $600, I would pay them to do it. But that’s not my relationship. That’s not my reality. That’s not the world I inherited. She won’t even do that on my birthday if I paid her 2k. Ergo strip club.”

— Hall, 24

beetlejuice

5. “I don’t really enjoy a strip club. I’d much rather be at a bar failing to pick up girls than paying someone to dry-hump me. Paying for sex is stupid. I genuinely believe this and still find myself at strip clubs at least 3-4 times a year and blowing my whole paycheck. Men are just animals—at least all the men I know.”

— Luther, 28

beetlejuice

6. “As I think about this, I don’t think I can really justify my relationship with strip clubs except to just straight-up admit I chase paid pussy like an addict. I have had a few trips to Las Vegas, Tampa, Atlanta, you name it, for no other purpose than to hang out at strip clubs. On one bender, I ended up paying a stripper to leave with me, fuck her, and then the next day we flew to Miami for an impromptu vacation. It’s just so easy and some of the girls are just that hot. If you have the money to be with all these beautiful women, why the hell aren’t you going to take advantage of it? Like who wouldn’t? What is wrong with you? I’m sure your wife is hot, but so are a million other women you’ve never seen before. And soon you’re going have to pump your dick with Viagra to get hard, and then you will be dead. I also justify it by saying it’s not like I’m going to sketchy places. Plus, I tip really well. I’m sure some of the girls think I’m a total asshole and cringe at some of the moments I’ve had with strippers, but I always am of the mind that you should overpay. My Yelp score for being a john would be pretty high.

Oh, wait, another justification is just that almost all rich people do this. You can take the most tween liberal celebrity or the most conservative pro-family politician and they all fucking engage in it. They really do, particularly the rich and famous because the only way they cannot feel used sometimes is to just ensure the transaction is a transaction, among other reasons. It’s sort of sad but most of the time it’s just the ultimate luxury. It’s a shame there is such a stigma about it and surprising how few incidents surface to the public.”

— Gabe, 30

beetlejuice

7. “Sometimes things get a little boring and you need a little inspiration, you know? Whenever I go to a club, she benefits from the extra ‘oomph’ in my performance. It’s really a ‘win-win’ for both of us.”

— Ross, 34

beetlejuice

8. Because of my work I travel a lot to places like Japan, Germany, Vietnam, I’ve been all over. Each and every place I got I end up going to a strip club with the guys from whatever branch I’m visiting. My wife knows that I go and I’ve always justified it to her by saying that I’m expected to go and that it would put everything we’ve built together at risk if I snubbed these guys. All that’s true but I have to admit that when drunk I’ve made more than my fair share of poor decisions and I’ve cheated nearly half a dozen times over the last year, three times with the same girl. But I figure as long as I love my wife and I’m playing it safe then what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

— Thomas,  42

beetlejuice

9. “The stripper look is sexy. I don’t even need a lap dance. I walk into a room and there are a bunch of girls draped in makeup and walking around in thongs and bras? Heaven.”

— Jay,  27

beetlejuice

10. “The way I see it is no penetration, no intimacy. What’s really wrong with that? To be honest, I wouldn’t mind if my girlfriend paid for some guy to act out some fantasy she wanted as long as she wasn’t getting fucked, the connection was only about the cash, and she never saw him again. It’s 2015. Why are we still such prudes?”

— Evan,  27

beetlejuice

11. YOLO.

— Kent,  24

beetlejuice

12. “I spent most of my twenties as an American in Europe, so my experience is a bit different. When I would go to clubs my goal would be to become friends with the go-go dancers and waitresses. I’m not a great-looking dude, but I would just be chill and become their friends and they would end up just smoking cigarettes with me on break and even buying me drinks. It’s rare for a dude to just act chill in there and they appreciate it. I’m still friends with a lot of those girls on Facebook today and almost dated one of the go-go girl dancers. Truth is, though, I would have sex with girls in the brothel when they were busy. I’m a derelict.”

— Johnny, 36

beetlejuice

13. “I brought my girlfriend to a strip club in San Francisco. They loved her. They gave her drugs. She ended up making out with the strippers and has no recollection of it. On the one hand, it’s this kind of awful memory, and at the same time it’s one of my fondest memories. She seemed to really enjoy it, but still refuses to admit she made out with a stripper. So my justification is that my girlfriend gets further at strip clubs than I do. How can what I do be so bad? I don’t do drugs and make out with strippers. They just take advantage of me and steal my money so I can look at their boobs. I’m a good guy. She’s the bad one. Heh.”

— Kyle, 27 TC mark

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