8 Things You Agree To When Drunk That You Always Regret By Morning
1. Next day brunch.
You’re having a blast—either with a group of close friends, or acquaintances turned besties by way of several tequila shots—and in the moment you need to prove your allegiance to the night. You absolutely must communicate that your only wish is for the life-long memory making fun you’re all having to continue. Naturally, the best way to convey your heartfelt enthusiasm is to suggest meeting up for brunch the next day. But as soon as you wake up and the massive hangover takes over, you regret every ode to never-ending friendship and you want nothing less than a bottomless mimosa. Unfortunately, there’s bound to be a single brunch holdout who manages to make you feel a little bit bad about canceling. Ugh.
2. A wake-him-up BJ.
You’re sloppy drunk and incapable of removing your clothes, let alone coordinating intercourse, so you do what any woman would to save herself from being pawed at by her horny boyfriend all night long: You promise him that if he lets you off the sex hook and leaves you alone for the time being, you’ll give him a badass blowjob first thing in the morning. But as you come to, head pounding, mouth dryer than cotton, you want to smack your past self for making such an idiotic promise. Whether or not you’re brave enough to deny a man oral sex after explicitly promising it to him, the first half hour of the day stands to be excessively painful.
3. A charitable act or donation.
One of the cruelest side effects of drinking alcohol is the false sense of goodness it instills in you. Thinking that you’re twice as good as you actually are, you promise to volunteer your time and/or resources to a charitable cause. Dance-a-thon? Count me in! Of course I’ll buy a $100 ticket to the autism benefit. I can’t think of a better way to spend Thanksgiving than to serve dinner to 1,000 people in need! In reality, however, your heart is more likely to shrink two sizes once the hangover that follows your big night turns your into a selfish creature with precisely two goals in life: carbohydrates and bad TV. If you don’t remember making a promise, does it really even count?
4. A monthly book club.
Once you graduate, the joy of reading rests in designing your very own personal syllabus. You get to turn each page of the books you’ve chosen without concern for themes, term papers, exams, or future class discussions. But in the haze of intoxication, when your peppy friend (whose favorite recent read is Fifty Shades, no doubt) approaches you about joining her monthly book club, the whole thing sounds wonderfully quaint—inspiring even. So you rattle off your email address and commit to bringing a cheese plate to the next gathering. The following day you wake up to twenty achingly cheery emails welcoming you to your new group. Either you bail immediately, or delete the messages for the time being and conveniently develop food poisoning the night before every forthcoming meeting until they kindly give up on you.
5. A joint business venture.
There’s a reason the three-martini lunch used to be a thing, and why executives often close deals during happy hour. Pretty much every business idea sounds awesome if it’s pitched after a few stiff drinks. You need someone to co-author a blog dog about dying dogs? What’s that, you want to hire someone to do all of the work without getting paid? So there’s no potential upside, but you want to place your trust in me of all people? Of course I’m in! The most you can hope for by morning is that you didn’t sign on any dotted lines.
6. A misguided romantic set-up.
For whatever reason, you transform into a poor man’s Cupid when drunk. You become adamant about setting people up, but your booze goggles tend to envision the worst matches possible. Suddenly, you’re convinced that your hot bro-y colleague is a perfect fit for your introverted, artistic bestie. It takes the sharp, unforgiving glare of morning light to make you realize that you’ve put yourself in the awkward position of orchestrating a sure-to-fail date. The worst part is that single people tend to follow up when told that the “exact right person” for them is definitely sitting there in your contacts folder. Next day, the misguided matchmaker in you faces two choices: Execute the set-up and bear the weight of responsibility for misleading two innocents, or lie and say that you were mistaken about your colleague’s availability.
7. A double date.
The best and worst time to meet someone’s new beaux is when you’re sloshed. On the upside, you’re pretty much guaranteed to like every person you meet when you’re too wasted to examine them properly for flaws. On the downside, you’re likely to propose a double date because doing so seems like the only way to satisfy the friend seeking approval of their new boyfriend of girlfriend. Problem is, you’d much rather reserve your discretionary dinner budget for meals with people you already know. Your only hope is to reschedule a few times and pray for them to break up in the meantime.
8. A professional introduction.
To your drunk self, connecting two people always sounds like a swell idea. You forget that you only have one favor to cash in with the super important exec you happened to befriend on the flight back from studying abroad; that you don’t exactly know so-and-so well enough to facilitate an intro; that you’re not exactly in a position to reach out to your high-school-boyfriend-turned-billionaire-tech-entrepreneur because you Tweeted something terribly aggro about their latest venture the last time your were sauced. Whoops. You’ll just have to say you reached out and (so weird!) never heard back.