Thought Catalog
March 6, 2015

35 Things No One Wants To Hear Immediately After Sleeping With You For The First Time

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What is the issue?

1. That would have been perfect if it had just lasted, like, a minute longer.

2. It’s been a while since I had [insert STI], but I like to do the right thing and let people know about it.

3. Have you ever realized, mid-sex, that you’ve been thinking of someone else the entire time?

4. That was…nice.

5. Thank you for that. I’ve been wanting to check “sleep with [insert race] person” off my bucket list forever.

6. You feeling as itchy as I am down there?

7. My ex always used to want it again, like, right away.

8. I was so close!

9. You’re really awesome in bed for someone your age.

10. You knew I was a virgin, right?

11. If we ever run into each other in public and I’m with my girlfriend/boyfriend, just pretend we don’t know each other, okay?

12. Thank God that infection cleared up right before we met.

13. Just in case you’re wondering, I was not faking it. I swear.

14. I really have to stop doing this.

15. Was I by any chance one of your first?

16. Drunk sex is just never worth it, huh.

17. The doctor says I’m not contagious when I’m not presenting any symptoms at the time of sexual conduct.

18. Is it weird if I save the condom? I love a memento.

19. You’re definitely better than most of the people I’ve been with—and trust me, that’s saying a lot.

20. Congrats! You’re officially the oldest person I’ve ever been with.

21. After my last one-night stand I got the worst rash. Any reason for me to worry now?

22. That was so much better than the last time I slept with someone average looking.

23. Do you ever have trouble focusing during sex?

24. I knew the rumors probably weren’t true. You’re totally decent at oral.

25. My mom was right. They all do look the same in the dark.

26. Can you tell me your full name again? I keep a log.

27. Do you think your parents still have sex?

28. Your friend [insert name] is so hot. Think we could get them to join us next time?

29. I really wish we’d used a condom.

30. Sex is so much better when you don’t have to pay for it.

31. Have you always had such a weird [insert body part]?

32. You might wanna brush your teeth now.

33. Wow. Beer goggles.

34. Got any extra cash? I figure we should go the Plan B route—just to be safe.

35. Oh, and you might want to get tested, too. Just to be safe.TC mark

thumbnail image – The 40-Year-Old Virgin

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