Thought Catalog
March 31, 2014

If You Think Asian Women Need To Stop Dating White Men, You Need A Reality Check

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What is the issue?

Normally, I wouldn’t take the time out to write a response to an article that’s written with such clear negativity, but as an Asian woman myself, I felt strongly compelled to respond to this.

First of all, I’d like to provide an alternate perspective to how you view this “epidemic” because although there are some points that are hidden in your very poorly constructed “article,” I feel there are a few things you might benefit from learning to alleviate some of the anger that’s very visible through your rather… erm, emotional writing.

So, to begin, I’d like to start with saying that it’s extremely unwise to generalize not one, but two entire nations on a topic centered around romance, which is fleeting in its own regard. You’ve not only discredited a culture you obviously know very little about, but you’ve also insulted your own. Saying that white men as a whole are manipulative, weak minded and control-seeking isn’t exactly going to attract them to “come back” to dating you, so I’m not entirely sure where that thought process was headed , and at the same time, why generalize an entire nation of people when there are so many differences within all of us?

Are there fetish-driven white males out there who seek out submissive Asian females because of their fantasy-driven ideals provided through anime and porn? Sure. There’s plenty. But that’s not enough of a platform for you to assume that every Asian female/White male couple was originated off of that. That also gives you absolutely no grounds or lucidity into how Asian women think, operate or make decisions. So to immediately assume we’re victims because we’re being “fooled” or “tricked” by the almighty white man is not just insulting, it’s completely and utterly ignorant.

What I can say is that I understand where your frustration may come from as far as the people out there who are basing their relationship off of superficial reasons, but my question to you is why focus your energy there? Are you aware that there are men and women of any and all races out there that fraternize… just to fraternize? No ulterior motives, no seeking of cultural validation, no social “advancement”—just to learn another culture and embrace each other’s differences through common interest—could that be possible in your eyes?

I’ve dated within my race, I’ve also dated outside of it. I’ve never had an intention of filling any diversity quota in my own personal agenda, but have I been subject to date a few men who wanted the “Asian chick” notch on their belt? Yes, I have. It doesn’t take long to figure out if someone views you as a novelty or as a human being. So as much as I realize you’re trying to make a public service announcement to “save” us poor, demure Asian females who wander along like innocent deer with horrible white men preying on us by lurking around tea houses, we don’t really need you to blare the alarms… we already know.

At the same time, here’s a couple things I’ve personally noticed about white women.

But before I get into that, let me place a small disclaimer and state that I’ve noticed this with a lot of white females, but that does not mean I believe that this is the absolute way all of you operate as I know every individual is just that, an individual.

But just a few things that I’D like to share from MY personal observations of white females:

  1. You have a SERIOUS problem with comparing yourself to others. You do this tirelessly and for the life of me, I can’t understand why.
  2. You constantly have to compete against other females (regardless of what race they are) when there’s really not even a reason to compete.
  3. You are constantly, constantly, CONSTANTLY seeking validation from every and anything other than your own selves, whether it’s through the people you surround yourself with, the clothes you wear, the areas you hang out in… everything is focused on the way you appear and how you “come off” rather than who you genuinely are.

Again, this isn’t all white girls. But it’s a lot of you. I don’t understand what it is about you that makes you consistently complain about issues that you’ve taken no steps to resolve on your own, but you just wish the world will naturally fall into your favor.

Notice how your resolution was NOT to possibly evaluate yourself and where you may be lacking in the dating realm, but you immediately put the responsibility on us Asian females to “give back” your men. We didn’t put the shackles on them… in fact, you made it vividly clear that they’re preying and chasing after us, so really, what control could we even have given your analysis to even “give them back” to you?

Going a step further, when did the world lose all the other nationalities? You honed in on only two of many different nations.

Do you have a problem with Hispanic people? Black people? Middle-Eastern?

So, even if all the white men were “taken away” from us crafty Asian girls, you can’t date outside of white men?

Not to mention, it’s not only rude, but very benighted to say that Asian men aren’t attractive. If you’re not personally attracted to them, that’s one thing. But to so boldly and superficially shoe-horn them all into a category of being “nerds” or being short is not only a very loud statement on your ignorance, it shows your lack of exposure to not just Asian culture, but culture on its own.

I could go on about the gross misuse of the word “Patriarchal” peppered throughout your poorly researched… essay(?) But I’m not going to get into that. I think we’ve reached a good stopping point, here.

Listen, I’ve had a guy approach my husband and myself, then turn to my husband to say, “an Asian? nice one, dude” and high-five him– which made him totally uncomfortable. I get it, those assholes exist.

But so do people like my husband. (Who, for the sake of the nature of this article, is French, Italian, Seminole Native-American and African-American.) He didn’t have any fetishes, no hyper-sexual views of the exotica that is Asian females, and no motives other than to learn who I was as an individual. The fact that I was Asian naturally led him to be curious about my culture, as I was in his many faceted ethnic background.

There is beauty in being open-minded to cultural differences and embracing all walks of life regardless of intention. Perhaps a relationship started artificially because of physical/racial preference. Don’t take away from the occurrences that life provides that might show that particular couple a deeper understanding of themselves that they may not have originally sought out in the beginning of their relationship.

Don’t limit yourself, either. So you’re having a dry spell in the dating world. Good. Take some time to learn what you like, who you like and where you like to go. Go where you’re naturally inclined to go and maybe you’ll find someone like minded because you’re already in an area of common interest. Stop paying so close attention to what’s happening around you and focus on where you’d like to be going and who you’d like to be going with. Stop blaming an entire nation/culture for what you lack presently. It’s not becoming and it’s really inefficient. Don’t be that person.

And don’t, please, for your own sake, write another article and have the gall to post it publicly without doing more research on it when there are people like me who feel a moral obligation to correct you. It takes time out of my day, but god, I needed to write this.

I hope you do find someone, white or not, that appreciates you exactly how you are and not because you’re a “white girl” just like I hope you understand that us Asian girls are intelligent enough to know the reasons we’re with the men we choose to date, pursued or not.

Best of luck to you. TC mark

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