This Is How I Want You Today

Today, I want something comfortable. I want hugs and cuddles and drinking on the sofa while watching crappy TV. I want to lean into your body and to spring up to grab you another beer, or to mix us both new drinks. I want pajama pants and pizza and make-out sessions between shows. I want to run my fingers through your hands and burrow my face into your arm.

I want to make love, not just to screw. I want to feel something intense while we move together slowly, with clasped hands and tender kisses. I want to be held under the blankets and to want for nothing but to keep touching. I want to pass into blissful slumber and awake to a friendly face. I want the soft, comfortable things today.

But some days, I want the chase. Some days, I want drinks and flirting and uncertainty. I want to stay on my toes as I try to decode the banter and body language of an unknown soul. I want to smell the whisky on your breath from several feet away and wonder how it tastes. I want to look into your eyes and flash a sly grin as I tease you.

I want to go outside for a cigarette and be pressed against a wall. I want to be taken by surprise and feel the force of a new tongue finding its way into my mouth. I want to guess how you like to be touched and discover little moans when I kiss you here, nibble there. I want to be unsure how long it will last or where we’ll go. I want to pull away and search your face for a sign of what’s to come. I want to see a new bedroom and leave as soon as I’m ready. I want to guess if you’ll text me again. I want to decide how to respond.

I want adventures and banter. I want someone to take me somewhere I’ve never been and show me something I’ve never seen. I want conversations that stretch my imagination. I want to be challenged to keep up. I want to play and impress and hope that you like me, even though I know you’re much too good for me. I want to feel in awe of the fact that you want me around. I want to blush.

I want to feel nervous if you lean in for a kiss. I want to be too afraid to make a move. I want you to lead, and I want to follow, but only as far as you’ll let me. I want to feel I take up too much space. I want you to comfort me, to make me feel at ease. I want to smile that someone so attractive and smart and funny could possibly want me, and I want to jump at every text for days on end. I want to crush.

And there is a part of me that wants to be punished. I want you to reduce me to nothing and make me feel ashamed of my entire person. I want you to deign to see me, to allow me to visit your home. I want you to answer the door in habitual undress, to indicate I’m unworthy even of pants. I want you to turn from me and to barely care that I’m in your presence.

I want to dance for you, to try to get you to want me. I want to throw myself at you. I want to feel the rush when you finally, finally show an interest. I want that first kiss to send my heart leaping. I want to melt into a puddle as you command with perfect force. I want to know you’ve done this before, and you knows exactly what you’re doing. I don’t want to question. I want to surrender. I want to be controlled.

And some days I wonder, wouldn’t it be easier if I wanted the same thing, the same person, every day, forever? But then I turn a corner, flash a smile, and suddenly, I want someone new.