Guide To Vague Relationships
A vague relationship basically feels like a real relationship, only it’s harder to tell when it’s okay to cuddle.
Vague relationships can last anywhere from 0 to 8 years, but are usually just a few months long.
You can have a vague relationship with your co-worker, your friend, your friend’s brother, your brother’s friend, your co-worker’s brother, your brother’s co-worker, your friend’s brother’s co-worker, or your brother’s co-worker’s friend – but not your brother.
Vague relationships are vague because their boundaries are never discussed.
Their boundaries are never discussed because one participant thinks that makes things more “exciting.”
More “exciting” means it’s acceptable to pursue other relationships and sleep with other people.
Sleeping with other people is fun because sex is like TV.
Sex is like TV because it is visually stimulating and mentally engaging for short periods of time.
Vague relationships have lots of sex, but no commercials.
Recommended to have on hand at all times
Full-length mirror. This is the most effective and thorough tool for confirming your attractiveness.
Birth control. This can be in the form of pills, condoms, or good intentions.
A pet. Pets are reliable sources of affection. Generally speaking, the larger the pet is, the more affectionate it will be (excluding horses).
- Average lifespan of a goldfish: 0-18 months
- Average lifespan of a hamster: 1-3 years
How to Enter a Vague Relationship
Get introduced to an attractive friend of a friend, co-worker, brother of a friend, etc. Anticipate having a boring conversation. Feel surprised when the conversation turns out to be interesting. Make each other laugh.
Spend enough time talking to discover you have enough things in common to have sex that night. See each other once a week, then a few times a week. Make sure he calls you more than you call him.
An Important Equation
[(Sex)+(every time you see each other)] * [(Genuine Interest)/(uncertainty)]
Time – discussion(“Official Commitment”)
“Should I ask about his ex-girlfriends?”
No. It is important to avoid the word “girlfriend.”
Sample Introductions to Friends
- “This is my co-worker, Frank.”
- “This is Amy, my friend.”
- “My co-worker, Amy.”
- “I met Frank at work.”
- “Frank, my friend. We met at work.”
- “Amy knew my brother from high school, actually.”
- “Oh, my brother introduced us. He and Frank work together.”
Nice Thing to Overhear
“I’ve actually never had as much fun with a girl as I do with Amy.”
Four Steps to a Wild Thursday Night
- Text him, “I’m bored, want to come grocery shopping?”
- Wait a few hours before concluding that he probably read “grocery shopping” and thought “sweatpants” and possibly “marriage,” which is why he hasn’t responded.
- Swallow one Xanax bar and walk to Whole Foods.
- Tomorrow morning find three different kinds of lettuce and organic “Tea Tree Tingle” shower gel in your refrigerator.
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My grandfather’s mother was raped by her stepfather or uncle (no one can really be sure) when she was fourteen. They lived in rural Illinois, and, at fourteen years old she had her first baby, my grandfather’s brother Sonny.
It’s not as if you’re going to feel it less, just because you’ve been there before.
I wish you a thousand more years of presence and popularity on Earth, and I hope you never have a Hostess style financial breakdown so that we may continue to enjoy you for generations to come.
Consistent highness does not pull you out of your humanness.