Cool Jobs I Wish I Had
Author of Realistic Children’s Books
When I was kid, my parents read me books like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Where the Wild Things Are, and The Giving Tree. They were nice enough stories, and reading them left me with the sense that I was special, that perhaps, lurking within me, was the ability to communicate with our dog or transport myself to alternate dimensions filled with cookies and no laws about compulsory school attendance. These warm, fuzzy feelings remained for a few years, but eventually I realized the real world was nothing like the ones I’d read about. So with Samuel L. Jackson reading the Internet Go the F-ck to Sleep and Stephen Colbert preparing to release a children’s book about a pole, it occurred to me that my destiny, though it may not be aligned with the ability to fly, could involve breaking the bad news about life to our nation’s children. Working titles include:
One K, Two K, KKK
Love you Forever (Unless You’re Gay)
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day He Realized There Are Other People in the World and Many of Them Are Smarter, Better Looking, and More Talented Than He Will Ever Be So He Better Work Really Hard
Goodnight Planned Parenthood and Affordable Contraceptive Options
One of the more interesting takeaways from my recreational porn consumption has been the discovery of so many things you would never think of as erotic. For instance, some people apparently like to watch women and robots get intimate. Others are into farting, dressing up as a pony, ball-stomping (it means precisely what you think it means), and the act of popping balloons. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that can get them off.
I found this strange, but never really thought about the origins of such fetishes until watching an interview with Richard Kern, semi-famous photographer of naked girl-next-door types. In the interview, the idea came up that the Internet was responsible for externally creating and inducing fetishes. That’s when I got the idea that perhaps, somewhere in Silicon Valley there was a Fetish Czar. What does the Fetish Czar do? The Fetish Czar decides all the new and bizarre ways you will be aroused. If I were a Fetish Czar, the following fetishes would be on the docket:
- Elbow Worship
- Sex on Bicycles (must wear helmets)
- Penis Decoration (For instance, if you draw a face under the tip, the tip becomes an army hat on top of a soldier. Forward! March!)
- Hangnail Foreplay
- Extra Nipples (natural is best, but implants are ok)
Dramatic Actor in Infomercials
I’m not going to pretend I don’t want at least some of the garbage that (name of penniless former celebrity) is selling. Like many people, I enjoy drinking homemade smoothies and definitely prefer to not look like a roly poly in my swim suit. But mostly, I watch infomercials because they are so poorly acted. I’m a pretty terrible actor too, so it doesn’t seem like much of stretch that I could make my way into an advertisement for a product you never knew you needed. Ideally, I would perform for the following (probably nonexistent) products:
Go-go Gadget Hand: This product lives on your couch or the arm rest of your La-Z Boy. At heart, it’s a circular, plastic gripper that reaches things on the floor or coffee table so you don’t have to get up. In the Infomercial, I will be the blanketed slug who leans forward to grab the two liter soda bottle on a nearby coffee table, only to be slammed backward by the ruthless beast we called gravity. My face will contort into the visual hybrid of grief and exasperation. Then an announcer will rhetorically ponder, “How many times has this happened to you?”
LeashPro: The LeashPro is a device that makes walking multiple dogs easier. Instead of the dogs zigging and zagging all of the place, thereby crossing all your leashes, this product is a retractable leash with a twist. Rather than being a in fixed position, the leashes slide in the handle as your dogs move all over the sidewalk. What’s more, you can add up to seven leashes to the product. Nevermind the fact that you shouldn’t have seven dogs. It’s not a money-making idea to exercise self-control. In the Infomerical, I will be the fit-looking woman waving carelessly to her neighbors as my dogs meander every which way. Then the announcer will explain the advanced, patented technology of ‘sliding’ and ‘rotating’.
PopUp Workout: This fitness sensation is not a series of DVDs you choose to watch. Instead, it’s a program installed on your TV which intermittently pops up and forces you to work out before allowing you to continue leaching your brain with Hoarders: Buried Alive. To ensure compliance, the product comes with a workout mat that monitors your movement. In the Infomercial, I will be the woman covering her face as the CSI investigators find a bloody clue, when the TV suddenly switches to a large room filled with several women in red spandex lifting their legs in time with an overly fit Billy Blanks knockoff.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”