Thought Catalog

Greg Levin

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Most people associate imprisonment with only negative things — extreme confinement, starchy food, non-consensual sodomy, small beds, bad lighting — but I see things in a more promising and positive light.

I’m not talking about discounted movie tickets or other little AARP perks. I’m talking about the less obvious though far more alluring boons that are available to only those with 80 or more birthdays behind them.

I don’t mean to brag, but when it comes to punching, heaving and breaking inanimate objects that have absolutely nothing to do with my anger or frustration, I’m somewhat of a master.

“Try to relax and breathe deeply,” said Dr. Zhou, who must have derived from my clenched fists and soft whimpering that I was an acupuncture virgin.

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