Thought Catalog
April 22, 2015

19 Signs You’re A Superior Asshole From The Northeast

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What is the issue?

1. You’ve never lived south of the Mason-Dixon line and you probably never will.

2. When people call you a sarcastic bitch, you don’t take it as an insult. You appreciate that they acknowledge that trait and love you for it.

3. When you give someone a compliment, it means a lot to them because you compliment sparingly. Your compliments have a lot of clout because you wouldn’t say something that kind unless you genuinely meant it.

4. You love fall foliage, but wish tourists would just shut up about it. The last thing you need is to run into another BnB-er yapping about how they just love your state this time of year.

5. You own at least one slightly preppy or conservative outfit because you understand how to dress in civilized society and that it’s not always appropriate for people to have rips all over their clothing.

6. People always tell you to drink herbal tea and they need to stop. Unless they’re offering you a cup of black coffee, you’d really like for them to stop talking because it’s too early in the morning to hear someone yammering endlessly about lavender chamomile tea.

7. You prefer not to acknowledge the fact that you have emotions and do, on occasion, feel feelings.

8. Watching shows about a New England town supposedly like yours (Gilmore Girls) or about New York City (Friends, HIMYM, Seinfeld, every other show ever) will always be annoying. Adorable Connecticut towns exist, but not ones that host pie-eating contests and knitting competitions every other day.

9. Speaking of CT, you always shit on Connecticut but honestly aren’t sure why. It’s just something you learned from sarcastic Northerners that came before you. It’s a perfectly nice place, but you’ll probably continue to scoff at it.

10. You have very rigid opinions about New York City, even if you grew up right across the river.

11. If you’re from New Jersey, you will defend it to the death, while talking people’s ear off about Pork Roll, Wawa, diners and so on.

12. If you’re from outside New Jersey, the only parts of Jersey that exist in your mind are: the shore, AC and Trenton, which sends shivers down your spine. Other than that, it’s just the state with jug handles you’d rather not deal with.

13. You think every city outside the Northeast (and especially not on the east coast) is too young. They have no history, no cobblestones and no stories about Paul Revere.

14. If you relocated to the Northeast, you love not having to be nice or talk to people unnecessarily. Don’t lie. It’s pretty blissful to not have to make conversation in line at the grocery store.

15. If you relocated away from the Northeast, you are constantly confused as to why people think you’re mean. People don’t think your sarcasm is hilarious and endearing. They think it’s rude and will sit you down to talk about your attitude during your first week of work.

16. You believe that participating in a sporting event means yelling. Yelling at the television, the fans, the players or the heavens. You can be yelling support, but the volume needs to be a few decibels above your average tone of voice.

17. You’re not turned off by the title of this article.

18. You think there’s nothing more terrifying than driving down to Florida and driving past all the big crosses on the side of the road when you cross into Georgia. You like Georgia. You respect Georgia. But like, the crosses are a lot to handle.

19. It’s not road rage if you know you’re right and the other driver’s clearly wrong. TC mark

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