Nine times out of ten you will sit next to someone terrible on an airplane. I always wind up with the 45-year-old creep on some vague business trip, who will slide his leg over until it’s touching mine. Airplane seats are a game of roulette, and the odds are not in your favor. I assume there are success stories because friends who are either luckier or better groomed than myself come home with stories of the gentlemen who walked them to their connecting flight’s gate. So if you win the game of seat roulette one of these days, here are 17 ways to successfully flirt on an airplane:
1. Bring gum on to the airplane. You’ll smell fresh, your ears won’t block and you can use it to initiate conversation with the person next to you by casually offering them a stick.
2. Begin to facilitate a bond based on the fact that you both got rescheduled and completely screwed by Delta.
3. Solidify that bond by discussing the possibility of the guy behind you getting you both sick. Gentlemen, if you want to really wow her, break out the Echinacea tablets and offer her two. Who doesn’t like a guy who cares about his immune system?
4. Put on deodorant immediately before boarding. Strategically time your application to ensure they catch a delightful shower fresh whiff of you right away. Do not bother with perfumes or colognes, because a fresh coat of deodorant already makes you seem more hygienic than everyone else on the aircraft.
5. Strike up a conversation about a simpler time when airlines didn’t charge for food and movies on airplanes.
6. Ask if he or she would like to share your $4 Pringles.
7. Gripe about the ungodly cost of Internet. Make a big show of actually buying an hour’s worth of Internet. Take this opportunity to become Facebook friends.
8. Get up to go to the bathroom a lot and take the opportunity to lean on your new friend. It’s like a really inconvenient lap dance.
9. Take a closer look at menu options and agree on a mutual distaste for something – like bleu cheese on a cobb salad. Setting a common enemy is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
10. When your plane is delayed mid-flight and you find out from the tiny screen in front of you, instead of from the pilot: Focus less on the fact that you’re screwed and more on the fact that you’re screwed together.
11. Look at the in-flight interactive map and point out where you’ve been in the world and where you want to have sex. Brainstorm some destination sex places before hand. (Suggestions: Bangkok; Dildo, Canada; Phuket, Thailand.)
12. Discuss the logistical nightmare of actually attempting to join the mile high club.
13. Feign fatigue and then accidentally fall asleep on your target. NB: Do not actually fall asleep, you will drool everywhere and it will be gross.
14. Let your friend know if the oxygen masks come down and don’t work, you’d be happy to assist with mouth-to-mouth.
15. Establish a connection based on your departure or arrival cities. Commence the obligatory game of “do you know?” Find out nothing about each other. Move on.
16. Every time there’s turbulence, grab their hand and then pretend you were just going for the armrest.
17. Whenever you go down to scoop something out of your bag on the floor, hum “Right Round.” It’s your choice whether you want to go for the Dead or Alive version or the Flo Rida version, but in this instance I’d recommend the latter. 
