Wake up boys and girls, it’s Presidents day! By far the best J.C. Penny’s sale day of the calendar year, Presidents day is a holiday meant for us to get together with friends and family and drink excessively. Also, learn about the Presidents or whatever. This year, I’m taking it as my civic duty to teach others about the great leaders of my nation. Note: I have done no research whatsoever.
George Washington: George Washington was our first President. He didn’t have teeth, and was a hero in the revolutionary war. As stories go, he stood somewhere between five and eleven feet tall, and ate the young of his enemies. He once famously crossed a river in a boat.
John Adams: Played by Paul Giamatti, our second President had a tough act to follow in ol’ George “I literally formed the country” Washington. I don’t know that he did anything particularly great, and if he did, so what. America was like 60 people and a family of farm cats back then. Anybody could do his job.
Thomas Jefferson: Writer of the Declaration of Independence and inventor of the coat hanger, macaroni and cheese, and probably the telephone or something, Thomas Jefferson is probably one of our smarter Presidents. He enjoyed writing about nature, inventing various pasta dishes, and not having friends.
James Madison: known as the first “forgettable” President, Madison ruled over the land during the war of 1812, in which the White House was burned to the ground. As far as being President goes, you really have one fundamental job- not allowing the White House to burn to the ground. And Madison allowed the White House to be burned to the ground. Thus is his legacy.
James Monroe: His name was James, he accomplished nothing.
John Quincy Adams: known for being less fat and more bald than his uncle, our sixth President invented bowling and sideburns.
Andrew Jackson: Ruled over America when we were at the height of our “Let’s see if we can legitimately kill every single buffalo” phase. He hated Native Americans, is on the twenty dollar bill, and founded an indie rock band that continues successfully to this day.
Martin Van Buren: At two and a half feet tall, Van Buren is known as the President most resembling a sad and dying party clown.
William Henry Harrison: President for only a single month, Harrison died of a runny nose or a mild case of diarrhea, as people tended to do back then.
John Tyler: The President “least likely to be recognized at his own birthday party, John Tyler fathered roughly 36 children, and used his executive power to enforce bizarre laws like “No more bees,” “Nobody is allowed to eat Indian food anymore,” and “The Patriot Act”
James K. Polk: Man, we really had a train of old boring white guys for a few hundred years there, huh?
Zachary Taylor: Zach Taylor is known as the only president with a name that sounds like the bully in an early 90’s movie.
Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, and James Buchanan: These three hell raisers, along with their adopted Korean half brother, Toby, ran the executive branch as a foursome. They slept in bunk beds in the Oval Office and frequently stayed up late watching cartoons. While fun for – as one historian put it – “about four hours,” this plan was horrible in both theory and in practice, as it led to the Civil War- one of the bloodiest in American history.
Abraham Lincoln: His popular quotes, “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends” and “If you want to test a man’s character, give him power” prove him to be “the President you will most likely regret getting coffee with.”
Andrew Johnson: As President, Johnson was once forgotten by his cabinet members during a trip to an amusement park.
Ulysses S. Grant: He looks exactly like my Uncle Ray. If they’re anything alike, he enjoys my grandmother’s meatballs and shouting at the television when the Eagles play.
Rutherford B. Hayes, James Garfield, Garfield McKinley Chester, Chester Arthur, Grover Chester Cleveland, Cleveland Chester Grover, and Benjamin McKinley Grover Garfield: For about 30 years in the late nineteenth century, nobody was sure who the President was.
Theodore Roosevelt: Teddy Roosevelt is the President mostly likely to murder a man in daylight at a public place. He owned a bear, and carried a large stick at all times, which he would use to viciously attack any passerby who made the mistake of looking him in the eyes.
William Howard Taft: Favorite food: butter.
Woodrow Wilson: Hated smiling.
Warren G. Harding: Refused to eat anything except chicken nuggets.
Calvin Coolidge: Led a bobsled team of Jamaicans in the 1924 winter Olympics. They did not advance to the semifinals.
Herbert Hoover: Known by the public as “President Sad Eyes”, Hoover’s favorite pastime was crying in the bathtub.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: President for 45 years, FDR enjoyed ice cream and hating his wife.
Harry S. Truman: Beloved winner of Survivor Sri Lanka.
Dwight Eisenhower: The public park in Long Island, New York named in his honor continues his legacy by being a wonderful place for your toddler to poop on the swings or get stung by a swarm of Africanized hornets.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy: He was president during the Bay of Pigs, an event consistently glossed over throughout my history education, but probably not too far from how it sounds.
Lyndon Baines Johnson: Never once took his kids to Disney World.
Richard Nixon: Probably a robot.
Gerald R. Ford, Jimmy Carter: Long rumored to be the same man — New Jersey con artist Jack Levy — just with his hair parted in a different direction.
Ronald Reagan: His economic policy, dubbed Reaganomics, is the preferred cure for both Tuberculosis and Scabies.
George H.W. Bush: The President before Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton: The survivor of roughly eleven heart attacks during his two term presidency, Bill Clinton’s time as Chief of State inspired many questions, such as “does he have eyebrows?” and “no seriously, I really don’t think he has eyebrows.”
George W. Bush: Fluent in fifteen languages, George W. Bush did a great job at making the Texas Rangers a viable threat in the American league west division.
Barack Obama: Scientologist. Fan of Beyoncé.