October 1, 2012

What I Would Say To My Coworkers If I Were Trying To Recruit Them To Join A Heist Crew On Our Lunch Break

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What is the issue?

Hey guys. Come on in. Sit down, sit down. Alright, first off, I’d like to thank you all for coming on such short notice, I know you all have other things you want to be doing on your lunch break, so this means a lot. Hey Gary, come on in. No that’s fine, we haven’t started yet. Well only so many chairs can fit in the break room, Gary. Well just stand, it’s not going to take too long. Then sit on the goddamned floor Gary, okay? There are more pressing issues to discuss.

You’re all wondering I’m sure, why I’ve called you to this meeting. Gentlemen, this weekend, I finally found my calling. I finally found what it is that I was put on this earth to do: steal things. Hey, hey, hey, where’s everybody going? Sit down. Please, let me explain. I’ve had Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13 on my Netflix queue for some time now, and as if by the very hand of God, all three arrived in my mailbox Friday morning. Fifty-four views and eleven family-sized tubs of cheese balls later, I know what needs to be done. We need to form a crew, the seven of us; a crew that will plan and execute heists.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Does this mean I’ll have to quit my job?” To answer honestly: yes, that’s exactly what it means. And yes, I realize Radio shack has great benefits. And yes, I realize Radio Shack has a reliable biweekly payment plan. And yes, I realize that joining this crew comes with the risk of a sizable amount of jail time. But we can’t stay at Radio Shack forever guys. Except you, Paul. You’ve been here for like, thirty years. You can stay. But the rest of you, you’re all like me: pent up. Trapped. Trapped in an average life and an average job. I’m here to tell you, you can change. I say we change. Guys, guys, GUYS, relax. I know what you’re all upset about: the set up of the crew. Well fret no more my friends. If you’ll just give me twenty seconds to set up this PowerPoint, I’ll lay it all out for you. Hit it, Marty.

Okay. If we’re gonna do this shit right, we’re going to need to follow the tried and true heist formula: Leisure suits + van + technology + muscle+ sex appeal = successful heist. Next slide, Marty.

Let’s start with me. I’m going to be the guy who wears leisure suits. I will be accepting applications for the second leisure suit guy, but I’m going to be honest: I don’t think any of you have the stones. The leisure suit guy is cool. He’s calm. He’s collected. Clooney-esque. Pick the hottest girl in any room, at any time, and one of the leisure suit guys has had sex with her, guaranteed. We’ll be planning the heists, we’ll be throwing the parties, and we’ll be drinking the expensive celebratory wines. Now my job for you all is simple. Find our other leisure suit guy. I’m looking at you in particular, Paul. I’ve seen pictures of your son on Facebook, he’s a good looking guy. He goes to Drexel, he’s gotta be smart, right? …Well that’s very disappointing Paul. No, I just find it very selfish that you’re putting your son’s education ahead of your heist crew. What do you mean “not your heist crew”? — Paul, do me a favor and hold your comments until the end of the presentation. Marty, slide?

Every heist crew needs a large and easily replaceable van. In this van, we’ll need state of the art audio equipment, for all the heist stuff we’ll need to listen to. Paul, I know you’re not feeling the whole crew thing right now, but you’re the oldest, and you have the most money. So we’re looking at you to purchase this van and all the equipment, cool? — Paul. What is your deal today? It’s not like you won’t be reimbursed after our first big job. You know what? You can leave then Paul. You can get up, and you can walk out on the opportunity of a lifetime. Fine! Yeah? Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say right back at’chya buddy. …Well he’s gone. Anybody else want to say something? Good, didn’t think so. Alright, where were we? The van. Danny, your mom lets you borrow the Caravan as long as you fill it up when you’re done, right? Perfect, it’s settled then. We will use Mrs. Reilly’s Caravan, and plan our heists around the days she’s not grocery shopping. Next slide.

The next member of the crew is the “tech guy.” He’s small, white, and carries a walkie-talkie at all times. Also, his name is always Rick. So, Rick, you’re the tech guy alright? Perfect. We’ll just need you to get acquainted with the sound equipment, and learn how to hack into incredibly secure websites to steal money and get blueprints and whatever. I don’t think it’s really that vital to the whole operation, because they never spend much time on it in movies. Slide?

Okay, this is a fun one. The next member is the “old pro.” Sometimes referred to as the “seasoned vet,” the old pro is basically a retired leisure suit guy who’s back for one more ride. Pick the hottest girl in any room, and the old pro at some point slept with her grandmother. His job is basically to connect us with potential clients, and make sure we’re on the right track. Now, we could go one of two ways with this. We could find an ex-con, and let him in on our plan, or we could just fake it, and use the oldest guy in the office. Since Paul is currently being… uncooperative, I assume we’ll be choosing the former. That being said, I’d like to nominate Tom’s uncle, Butch, who as we all remember was arrested some years ago for tax evasion. Tom, Butch is out of jail now right? Spectacular. Give him a call; see if he’s ready to get back in the game. Go ahead Marty.

The rookie. Since we’re all technically going to be new at the heist game, we’ll just choose the youngest. Danny, what are you, 18? Danny’s the rookie, then. Your job is to be annoying. You’ll beg and beg us to let you on the team, and we’ll finally submit just so we can use your mom’s minivan. When everything in a heist goes wrong, guess whose fault it is? Bingo, it’s Danny’s fault. The only thing is, Danny: we’ll need you on board full-time, which means no more high school. No, don’t ask your parents, they won’t understand. Last one, Marty.

Every heist crew needs a big man. The muscle, the bruiser, the tank, call him whatever you want, he just needs to be huge and scary. I’m sure like me, you’re all thinking of the one man not present at this meeting today. Chad. Did he even call in sick, or did he just flat out not show up again? See what I mean? That’s the kind of attitude we need. I saw Chad at a bar one time, he was wearing at least four layers of popped collars. Gary, didn’t you tell me he got fired from his old job at Starbucks because he punched out some old guy who said his frappuccino needed more cream? That’s textbook heist muscle right there. Next time he shows up for his shift, I’ll ask him about joining.

So that’s my pitch, guys. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re going to say. “Allen, this is just like the time you watched The Pirates of the Caribbean, and tried to get us to all pitch in and buy a boat house.” Or “Allen, this is just like the time you watched Good Will Hunting and tried to pick up chicks at the bar by telling them you had an abusive foster father.” Or “Allen, this is just like the time you watched Air Bud and adopted a golden retriever and then sent it back after two weeks because you have a crippling fear of responsibility.” Well number one, that dog could not play basketball to save his life, and number two, this is totally different, you guys. Seriously.

You saw the presentation; I have this planned out to the smallest detail. We can do this, I believe in us. Now let’s get back out on the floor before that son of a bitch Paul rats us out for taking a long lunch break. TC mark

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