November 17, 2016

We Are The Story That Never Was

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What is the issue?
 I'm Priscilla
I’m Priscilla

I told you I like you because I am impulsive and I did not think of the consequences of my actions right after I said the words I usually tell other people. I told you I like you because I want you to know your worth, that you’re not just seen special by your girlfriend or by your family. I want you to know that in the light of this world conquered by fear, there is one soul brave enough to see and appreciate who you are. I said it because I want you to know that I like you. That’s that.

But the confession does not mean that I want us to be together. I don’t want you to think I’m taking you away from her, that I am giving you a go signal to break up with her, or stop making an effort to fix the relationship you have when she’s turned cold.

But you probably take it that way. I can’t blame you. I was the one who said it first, you just followed my lead. I pulled the strings and you danced with the rhythm I made with my music, even when you’re not supposed to be in my party in the first place.

So I’m sorry. I don’t have any intention to lure you in my crazy little world. I wasn’t thinking. I was being me. And that’s exactly my mistake. You don’t know me, and yet you stayed in my game, the game I usually play with other people. The truth is, I don’t want you involved in my life. I don’t want you to say that you believe in me, that you wish me luck in life, that I can make it through with faith.

I don’t want you to greet me good morning the moment you wake up, or call just to ask if I’m fine or not. I don’t want you to invite me in a movie or eat lunch with you. I don’t want you to do sweet things for me. I don’t want you to try things you did with her when you were so madly in love that she said yes when you asked her if she could be your girlfriend.

Right now, I still don’t know what your intentions are. I still don’t know if you are back with her again or that we’re just going out as friends. I don’t know if you like me at all. Because I can’t expect you to tell me something if there is nothing to tell from the first place. Because there is no story, there never was.

That we went out to watch movies twice for nothing. That you message me for nothing. Or maybe for something. To kill time. To kept the bore away while you’re not talking to her. To flirt with some naive girl you met months ago. Some girl stupid enough to believe that fairytales happen in real life and you are the prince she’s waiting for.

I know I started this. I want a way out because the more we go deeper to find meaning in this, the more confused I get.

Do you want to know how much this affects me? I’m crashing my walls for you. I’m defying my principles for you. I’m becoming mad thinking about what would people say if they see us together, if they knew that we watched a romantic movie together, even while you’re in a relationship with her.

All I have is this confused feeling of whether to talk to you or block you totally away from my life. Confused about what to feel, confused on how to take your actions. I can’t ask you because I’m scared to know the truth, whatever the truth is between us. Because either you’re still with her or aren’t, all we are is an unwritten story.

The cut in a film that failed to make it to be a final copy, because there is a better story than ours. And all we are, is a story that never was. TC mark

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