I’m Not Okay, But Maybe That’s Okay

I don’t know what truly set it off. I was dancing with a clearly intoxicated woman who shared a vaguely similar interest, but she went to the bathroom and started dancing with another man, and I really just lost it.

I don’t know why.

I thought, what could this man have that I don’t have? Hell, I’m almost a doctor! I am clearly smarter and kinder and have infinitely more potential than this random weirdo, but at the end of the day, what really separates the two of us on a grimy dance floor? All I know is that I pretty much left after that, and I lost it.

I walked through a dark city of millions, and I felt more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life. Was I hoping to sleep with this woman to try and convince myself that I was not so alone? In all likelihood, yes. But, in no way is that truly satisfying because, ultimately, I would still be alone. And, with this further realization, I just started to cry. And not the happy cry or a few tears cry, but a full on ugly-cry as I walked through Back Bay to my apartment.

I cried at all that was wrong and terrible with the world. I cried for the countless lives lost this year unjustly. I cried for my friend who had died tragically in the beginning of the year. I cried for the cardiac surgeon who had been shot and killed last year by a disgruntled family member. Hell, if you had told me that a pet had died, I probably would have sobbed.

But, this begs the question of why I lost it at this very moment. As a fourth year medical student, I see death on a weekly basis. I see people at the end of their lives, and during the week, rarely does it affect me. Hell, I have even performed CPR on patients unsuccessfully and have not shed a tear. But, I suppose that some degree of emotional detachment exists under these circumstances.

For whatever reason, on this night, after an unsuccessful attempt with this woman, I lost it. I let it all out. And I cried. And I wasn’t okay. And I wanted my mom and my dog and someone to share my innermost feelings with. I felt alone, and I was scared, and I was sad, and I wasn’t okay.

But, I know that when I go to bed and wake up in the morning that I will be okay because tomorrow holds the promise of a new future. I just have to believe in myself, and I will be okay. The sun will come out tomorrow, right? And, if not, then I hope that my tomorrow is coming soon because I am tired of being alone.