Life can suck balls.
Everyone knows it. You’re having an incredible day, phenomenal, nothing can break your stride. Then you get a huge dose of bad karma from who knows the hell where and BOOM! Two years of bad luck and horrible, horrible life halting and crushing bad juju.
This is a personal article if you can’t tell.
For the last two years I have felt absolutely cursed and am only just now starting to crawl my way out. I would like to say it started with the breakup of me and my ex two years ago….but that would be an excuse for the decisions in my life that have led me to this point. From a shitty breakup, to a dead end job, and finally two years of no career advancement and outdated means of transportation/communication my life has/had hit the absolute bottom.
It’s better now. How you ask? Well despite the fact that I just totaled my car the other day in a freak accident that was absolutely my fault I have come to realize something recently that has set me ahead of all of the setbacks. I was completely to blame for the bad luck. You heard me. I was to blame. It had nothing to do with a bad break up or bad luck or even my asshole boss. I NEVER TOOK ANY INITIATIVE OR STEPPED UP TO CHANGE MY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Instead of fighting for my ex (she actually wanted me to) I just let her leave. Instead of actually stepping up and getting a better job or asking for a raise like I deserve I just sat around, partially content and partially scared that I was not worth one. Instead of getting a new phone I just hung on to my old one, thinking it would be better not to spend the money required for the purchase.
Finally, I did not take the time to do anything different and always put off progression in my life because I got it in my head that everything would improve with time.
While I pondered this, time was moving but I was not.
I will find a better girl one day I thought. One day I will have a great job working with my dad I thought. I’m gonna be a writer and own nice cars, boats, houses, etc. IT’S ALL COMING! But it wasn’t. All of these were things that had nothing to do with my own initiative and everything to do with my hopes that others would make my life work for me or that time would sort it out.
Nothing kicked me in the gut like the realization that I was the person I wanted to be already…covered and disfigured by my hesitation and self-doubt. Like the nightmares I have of trying to move towards a destination only to be caught in sludge, dragging the impossible weight of my body that would not react because I WAS ASLEEP to only wake with never achieving the end of my dream.
My body would not respond to my deepest desires while dreaming because I was asleep and could not move towards it. This was very profound when I realized the reason I experienced these. For whatever reason my body would not move in a dream state but would instead try to move my prone form. Imagine carrying fifty pound weights on every limb of your body and walking down a hallway. It was impossible, and I had these dreams often.
You know those things called mirrors? They are funny objects. You ever looked in one and then later looked in another one only to see a completely different version of yourself than you saw before? “Damn my jeans look great but now in this mirror they look tight and I look gaunt and hideously lanky, comical to anyone who saw me.” When I don’t look at myself in the mirror I do not get caught up in the way that my mind interprets the vision of myself, I can just be the person that I am. Trying to constantly find my good side in a mirror or looking at every one I pass makes me forget that my interpretation and not the reflected one is the most important.
The baggage that I believe that I carry does not exist when I stop looking for it.
We get so caught up in things that we tell ourselves and the dreams we have that we do not do anything to make them happen. They are dreams because they are not real. If you want to do something then you have to wake up and stop dreaming.