I Don’t Like The Way We Portray Weed And Sex In Movies

I get it, movies aren’t real, but still, if I’m watching Netflix more than I’m socializing for whatever reason, I’d like some accurate representations of real life. The next generation will learn almost everything about human interaction and social customs through digital media, so let’s start taking some responsibility.

1. Weed

In the movie The Family Stone (the title is a coincidence, it’s not about weed), a father shares a pot brownie with his son and once they’re really high, he tells him that his mom has cancer. That’s terribly depressing news, why would anyone want to associate those saddening emotions with weed? “I’ve got some tragic news, it’s going to be tough to digest and alter the course of your life so lets get baked first,” makes no sense.

Then there’s the movie John Wick, a father is forced to give up the location of his son who’s being protected in a bunker guarded by a gunman. Then the film cuts back and forth between the father and son who are both smoking joints in their respective locations. Again, what a terrible time to be baked. Weed isn’t like that drug from Limitless, it’s not going to heighten your awareness and make you more elusive. If I know someone’s coming to kill me, I’m probably not in the mood to intensify my panic attack with a joint.

2. Sex

You ladies keep complaining about brief sex and saying it’s because us guys ‘skip around for thirty minutes finding the right video then masturbate for three minutes,’ what you should be criticizing is film and television. Every sex scene is some ravenously impassioned, mostly clothed, three-pump, unprotected scream-fest that somehow brings the woman to an orgasm. I don’t care how much chemistry there is, that’s simply unrealistic, and it’s usually playing on the whole Freudian, aggressive ‘I’m so mad at you I have to fuck you’ thing, which is getting a little out of hand.

“Honey, I parked in the red zone again and they towed your car,”

“Why would you think that wouldn’t happen?! God dammit, that’s just so fucking… naughty of you.”

We should take a lesson from 300; there was a six-position montage of Leonidas’ pre-war sex. There’s really no telling how long they had sex, I’m assuming it was for a few hours with ten-minute breaks in between sessions. I think there’s a lesson there: have sex as if you’re about to go into a battle you’ll almost surely lose.