Finally: A Male Babysitter Who Won't Have Sex With Your Kids
Let’s face it: a good babysitter is hard to find. And though many families with young children may want a positive male influence, reliable male babysitters are even more of a rarity. Nannying websites provide a limited view of potential candidates and leave parents with a slew of questions: Is he dependable? Is he punctual? Perhaps most importantly of all, will he have sex with my kids?
That’s where I come in. I am a highly qualified male babysitter with extensive experience in the field of childcare. I have superb references that reflect my years working as a tutor, camp counselor, and chaperone, all while maintaining an impressive track record of never having sex with kids.
Is your son a picky eater? Don’t worry! I can coax even the fussiest diner into eating his broccoli without ever having sex with him! Does your daughter have trouble sleeping? No problem! I can send the most insomniac infant to dreamland using methods that involve no sexual activity whatsoever!
My areas of expertise include sex-free storytelling, sex-free baking, sex-free sports, sex-free skits, and a variety of sex-free crafts. Between playing with your kids, teaching your kids and tidying up after your kids, I wouldn’t have the time or energy to have sex with your kids, even if I wanted to — which, again, I don’t! I am also First Aid and Hands Only CPR certified.
With a guy like me as your babysitter, you can rest easy. Enjoy a well-deserved night on the town, secure in the knowledge that your kids are in good hands (only ever metaphorically, of course). Your kids won’t have a single negative word to say about me, not now or years later at a therapist’s.
So, if you’re looking for a male babysitter whose career is synonymous with not having sex with your kids, look for me.
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Meeting the right person on a double date, where your shared sense of humor and maybe-a-little-obsessed love of social media brings you together instantly, sounds pretty ideal. Unless, of course, it’s the other person’s date you’re falling for.
My childhood world was a fraternity house gone adolescent — compounded by the death of my mom when I was 14. And while I knew love in abundance, I didn’t know a thing about girls.
I had fallen into a deep sleep and entered into a realm that transcended dreams or realities. I found myself in a room surrounded by four white walls.
4. I would rather listen to an entire album by Rebecca Black than hear your voice.