February 5, 2013

Finally: A Male Babysitter Who Won't Have Sex With Your Kids

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Charles In Charge
Charles In Charge

Let’s face it: a good babysitter is hard to find. And though many families with young children may want a positive male influence, reliable male babysitters are even more of a rarity. Nannying websites provide a limited view of potential candidates and leave parents with a slew of questions: Is he dependable? Is he punctual? Perhaps most importantly of all, will he have sex with my kids?

That’s where I come in. I am a highly qualified male babysitter with extensive experience in the field of childcare. I have superb references that reflect my years working as a tutor, camp counselor, and chaperone, all while maintaining an impressive track record of never having sex with kids.

Is your son a picky eater? Don’t worry! I can coax even the fussiest diner into eating his broccoli without ever having sex with him! Does your daughter have trouble sleeping? No problem! I can send the most insomniac infant to dreamland using methods that involve no sexual activity whatsoever!

My areas of expertise include sex-free storytelling, sex-free baking, sex-free sports, sex-free skits, and a variety of sex-free crafts. Between playing with your kids, teaching your kids and tidying up after your kids, I wouldn’t have the time or energy to have sex with your kids, even if I wanted to — which, again, I don’t! I am also First Aid and Hands Only CPR certified.

With a guy like me as your babysitter, you can rest easy. Enjoy a well-deserved night on the town, secure in the knowledge that your kids are in good hands (only ever metaphorically, of course). Your kids won’t have a single negative word to say about me, not now or years later at a therapist’s.

So, if you’re looking for a male babysitter whose career is synonymous with not having sex with your kids, look for me.

Celibately Yours,

Matt Crowley TC mark

Matt Crowley

Matt Crowley is a writer, director and improvisor living in Brooklyn. Why not follow him on Twitter?

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