Finally: A Male Babysitter Who Won't Have Sex With Your Kids
Let’s face it: a good babysitter is hard to find. And though many families with young children may want a positive male influence, reliable male babysitters are even more of a rarity. Nannying websites provide a limited view of potential candidates and leave parents with a slew of questions: Is he dependable? Is he punctual? Perhaps most importantly of all, will he have sex with my kids?
That’s where I come in. I am a highly qualified male babysitter with extensive experience in the field of childcare. I have superb references that reflect my years working as a tutor, camp counselor, and chaperone, all while maintaining an impressive track record of never having sex with kids.
Is your son a picky eater? Don’t worry! I can coax even the fussiest diner into eating his broccoli without ever having sex with him! Does your daughter have trouble sleeping? No problem! I can send the most insomniac infant to dreamland using methods that involve no sexual activity whatsoever!
My areas of expertise include sex-free storytelling, sex-free baking, sex-free sports, sex-free skits, and a variety of sex-free crafts. Between playing with your kids, teaching your kids and tidying up after your kids, I wouldn’t have the time or energy to have sex with your kids, even if I wanted to — which, again, I don’t! I am also First Aid and Hands Only CPR certified.
With a guy like me as your babysitter, you can rest easy. Enjoy a well-deserved night on the town, secure in the knowledge that your kids are in good hands (only ever metaphorically, of course). Your kids won’t have a single negative word to say about me, not now or years later at a therapist’s.
So, if you’re looking for a male babysitter whose career is synonymous with not having sex with your kids, look for me.
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You break it to them as softly as can. They immediately beg you to stay.
As much as I appreciate someone telling me to keep my chin up when going through a hard time, I’m fairly certain I’d rather them let me punch dance out my rage in their backyard.
At their biological core, men are ruled by sexuality. They identify potential mates using their eyes first, while women take a more complicated approach.
You probably thought I was going to recommend Orange Is The New Black but I’m not.