Write Without Restraint! An Incredible Offer
Tired of hearing about the need for tight prose and a controlled narrative? Bummed over stuck-up naysayers trying to pare down your style? Just can’t deal with concision OR restraint?
Then do we have the answer to your prayers! Your wordy, cerebral, all-but-inscrutable prayers!
That’s right: for an unlimited time so long as the English language exists, YOU can indulge in every verbose fantasy imaginable! Flaunt your vocabulary! Use adverbs unendingly! Overwrite EVERY SINGLE paragraph!
You can even attempt a sentence composed of nothing but multisyllabic words. Wow!
Here’s how it works:
1) Enroll in a creative writing class.
Easy, right? You’ll be abusing punctuation in no time!
And that’s not all. With proof of age and familiarity with Thomas Wolfe novels, we’ll include this free DVD box set: Scenic Porn: The Hot ‘n’ Heavy World of Adjectives and Modifiers.
You’ll see IMPENETRBLE darkness! BLANKETNG snow! DEPTHLESS oceans! All the sexiest scenery in one place!
Here’s a sneak peak:
(Platinum blonde enters study, looks at the pen the writer holds in his lap.)
WOMAN: My, what a big diction you have! (Covers her mouth.)
WRITER: I know. It is quite a… considerable talent. (Puffs his pipe. Winks at camera).
Every leaf is glistening! Every silence pregnant! Every dark cloud a harbinger! You’ll never feel plainspoken again.
Call now to validate your turgid style AND receive a free Scenic Porn box set, all for the price of ONE creative writing course. That’s a complete outsized artistic ego for as little as three credits!
But wait, there’s more!
Head to the nearest music department and pick up your copy of Notes Gone Wild: Wanky Virtuosos and Steamy Arpeggios absolutely free! Watch as these hot, surly fingers SHRED up and down helpless fretboards! Hear the moans of sixteenth notes BEGGING to fit into a phrase! Listen to SEDUCTIVE 20-minute jazz fusion solos all day, every day!
You can outdo yourself with faux confidence in BOTH literature and music! Don’t miss this often-in-a-lifetime chance to ejaculate all over the discipline of your choice!
Available at all participating liberal arts programs. Must be well-versed in the oeuvre of Dickens to call. While pretension lasts.
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I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”
To begin, I got totally screwed over in the dental genes department. I was born with a pretty severe overbite and a mouth that was too small.