27 Reasons Why Riding Public Transportation Is Hell On Wheels For A Hypochondriac

1. No matter what, you always carry hand sanitizer with you. And no matter what, you always wash your hands or use hand sanitizer after your commute – even if you haven’t actually touched anything.

2. Before you sit down, you pat the seat with the back of your hand to make sure no one’s bodily fluids are already occupying that seat.

3. The look you give to someone who coughs or sneezes in your direction could literally murder a whole village of newborn penguins.

4. You actually begin to hate complete strangers for riding public transportation when they’re sick. It’s called an ambulance, ya know.

5. You do everything in your power not to touch anything or anyone, and because of that, you rely on your elbows to maneuver any doors or resist any stranger’s touch.

6. The summer can be the worst with everyone excreting people juice all over the place. You quite literally burn the pants you are wearing after someone’s leg sweat gets all over you.

7. You often daydream about ways they could mass-clean trains and buses in an effective, sanitary manner.

8. You figure if you see someone eating on the train, they will probably contract some sort of airborne stomach virus, and you don’t hesitate to wish them luck before going your separate ways.

9. You refuse to set down your belongings anywhere else besides your lap. You have pity on people who allow their backpacks to graze the floor.

10. You would rather fall onto the floor than touch a hand rail.

11. But if you happen to fall on the floor, you’re in line at the car wash for a full power wash body scrub down.

12. Better yet, drop your phone on the ground? Time to get a new phone.

13. You will shamelessly move seats away from someone who is touching their face too much or appears to have a cold.

14. You are one with the people who wear medical masks in public. Flu season is not a joke, you guys.

15. You’ve considered creating a patented hazmat suit, made especially for commuters.

16. You avoid breathing with your mouth open so you don’t get sick from the masses of germ hosts you ride with everyday.

17. You’ve mastered as many stabilizing, hands-free yoga stances that you can, so that you don’t fall over.

18. Your credit card bill for all of the Uber rides that you take instead of the train or bus is exponentially high compared to other purchases in any given month.

19. You should be considered a spokesperson for Ricola for the amount of cough drops you give out to people every single winter.

20. Winter is your favorite time of year because you can wear your gloves the whole time without being considered weird.

21. It is very possible that you have ridden in various different train cars all in one trip on account of the fact that you continue to switch based on the cleanliness or lack there of.

22. The sight of someone biting their nails on the train puts you into such a rage that sometimes you yell, “THAT IS HOW EPIDEMICS START, YA KNOW”.

23. Getting food at the train station coffee shop to you is like getting a “roller dog” from a gas station. Get *clap* that *clap* sausage *clap* biscuit *clap* away *clap* from *clap* me.

24. You often wonder, “Who let these disgusting beasts on the train?”, when you witness a child putting their hands in their mouth and then touching the seat. And then their mother. And then their mouth again. And then the hand rail. And then their mouth again. THE HORROR.

25. You shiver at the fact that so many butts, I repeat, SO MANY BUTTS, have been where your butt currently is sitting.

26. You think about how great it would be to have things like garbage cans on the train for when you are done with your Starbucks, but then realize that people would “abuse” it with their “bodily fluids.”

27. You finally are able to breath the hot, salty, city air once you escaped the hell on wheels because you have mostly been trying not to suck in any fecal matter or infectious diseases floating about.