November 22, 2016

I Learned How To Love Myself When You Decided I Wasn’t What You Wanted

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Natalie Allen
Natalie Allen

I was dreading the day that I knew I would be forced to forget you. But I wanted to keep that day away for as long as possible, even if it meant torturing myself for any chance to keep seeing you. Although you were the best thing that happened to me, you were also the worst.

I didn’t want to be the one to put my foot down. I didn’t want to be the reason that erased you from my mind. I loved you so much, that even the thought of your smile, bought me more joy than your late night texts. It was during these moments, I realized, I loved you more than I loved myself.

What was really bizarre, was that when I finally left you, I felt a huge sense of relief. I will no longer be the sorry one agonizing over how each conversation, moment, touch and kiss, could mean so little to you, when they meant the world to me. I will no longer be convincing myself to be okay as your second best.

Because the truth is, as much as I loved you, and every little detail and flaw about you, there is someone out there who I will love even more.

I shocked myself the first night I slept soundlessly with not a single tear. I was scared. I couldn’t even picture your face anymore. The one thing that was always there to bring me comfort, was now vanishing. I remember asking myself, Why should you be the source of all my happiness? After all, you were also the source of all my misery.

After that night, I stopped checking your social media to see if you had already found someone new. I stopped trying to recover any trace of you, whether it be a text, or even a picture, that I had forgotten to erase. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I began breezing through my days without the thought of you coming back to push me through.

I silently thank you every day for rejecting me. You made me see the value in myself I was too busy believing I had seen in you. How liberated and strong I felt at that sudden sight of you after all those months.

At last I feel for you, everything that you had always felt for me – nothing.

Because of you I have never been more kind, smart, and amazing than I am now. What is sad is that you couldn’t see any of this when I was right in front you, only to realize it after I had disappeared.

The heart you broke, only grew bigger and stronger.
Your small heart showed me that people like you, who take too much pleasure in living single instead of being with someone who was ready to give them everything, will ultimately spend the rest of their life alone. My heart continues to grow every day, yet, it will never have any room for you.

I thank you for tearing me apart to the point where I couldn’t lift myself out of my bed, without the memory of you weighing me down. I fought so hard not to cry, that all my weakness surrounding you, became my biggest strength. All the love I had for you, I took back, so I can give it instead to the one person who deserves it the most; me.

I was the best thing that ever happened to you. But I was also the worst. You were lucky enough to have me in your days and schedules that you would squeeze me in. But you were unfortunate for losing the chance to have me in your life.

One day, you will want to have all of me. I bet I have already crossed your mind. Not only that, but I know there have already been times when you picked up your phone, debating whether or not you should call me.

I feel awful for you when you finally decide to make that call and I won’t answer. I feel even more pity, when you see me with the person who had already fallen in love with me, and who did it, without needing to debate about me at all. TC mark

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