October 13, 2016

You Can’t Rush Me Into Loving You

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I want to love you, I do.

I want to memorize each curve, each vertebrae, each crease of your skin. I want to know you from the inside out, what makes you laugh and cry, what makes you angry, what makes you glow. I want to know the you that you keep hidden, the you that’s behind the surface of a smile, the you that comes out at night when you’re vulnerable and all alone.

I want to know that you, the you I should be afraid of, but I’m not.

I’ve never been scared of falling into another person, letting our hearts beat in sync.

I’ve never been afraid of pulling the curtain off my guarded soul and bringing someone in. I’ve never been afraid of opening, of speaking, of writing my love in a thousand words over a thousand pages.

Call me young, call me naïve, but love has never seemed scary to me.

But falling is something that happens naturally—you can’t make it happen, can’t rush it, can’t wish it into creation. You just have to close your eyes and exist in the moment. Be present for every touch, every kiss. Let yourself go with every embrace until suddenly you find yourself slipping, feeling things so deeply, so powerfully, and so fully in your chest.

That’s love. The moment that you’re never ready for, the moment that knocks you off your feet and makes you dizzy.

And I don’t feel it yet.

I’ve felt so many things. I’ve felt security, stability. I’ve felt happiness beyond belief. I’ve felt peace and contentment. I’ve felt so connected, as if we were two souls meant to find one another.

I’ve felt the promise of love, but I haven’t felt love yet.

But these things take time. Love is built on a steady foundation, molded by trust and hours spent confessing secrets and dreams. Love is nights snuggling on the couch and unexpected kisses exchanged across the center console of a car.

Love is all the words we say, and the words we don’t. It’s the moments where we are compelled to do things we never imagined ourselves doing, and it’s the moments we don’t plan, but they happen and make our chests feel so full.

Love is on the tip of our tongues, in the rhythm of our kisses, in the pulse we feel through our fingertips, electric at the touch of another person.

Love is everywhere with you, but I just don’t feel it yet.

So please don’t rush me. Please be patient with my heart.

I cannot try to love you. I cannot make my body change its path or my heartbeat shift its rhythm. I cannot make my mind think things that it does not yet think; if I do this, I’ll only end up over-thinking and pushing you away.

Please let my soul find the way on its own, let my heart be its own guide.

I might not have fallen in the same way, same time as you did, but it doesn’t mean I can’t still fall. So please, let me heart be slow and my body live in the moment. I may not love you just yet, but I’m not going anywhere, I promise. TC mark

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