September 20, 2016

I Don’t Know Who We Are, What We Are, Or Where We’re Going

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 splitshire.com
splitshire.com

How is it that one small thing can change your entire life? That when an opportunity strikes and you decide to take it without thinking about consequences, it turns out to actually be good. And how does it take away all your troubles, your whole past. Like it never existed.

I was living my life with my boring routine, without any hope of change or the existence of something new, and then it just appeared. In flesh and blood. And just one look was more than enough to make me feel like a completely different person. I’m no longer stuck in the past, I’m no longer depressed. I have this thing in “here and now” and I want to focus on it.

The strangest thing happens in life when you least expect it. And it doesn’t scare me. I even feel more excited than I’ve felt in the last couple of years. Things come and go. Whatever is here now, I hope can stay a bit longer. I don’t want to change a thing. I like how I feel right now. It is new, it is clean slate, and it’s exciting. It’s unexpected, surprising, unusual, weird in some ways, and very nerve-racking…in a good way.

I can’t look the other way when you’re walking right next to me. And I know that the familiar faces may judge us, but I just can’t help holding your hand.

You are so wrong in so many ways. But for some reason I always fall for the wrong people who are too perfect for me. Stop being perfect. You’re ruining the whole thing.

I don’t know who we are, what we are, or where we’re going. I don’t know how I feel, how I should feel or how I want to feel about you. All I know is that when you hold my hand I forget about who I am and I just let myself be with you, even though I don’t know you.

I’ve never heard you talking about feelings and I’ve never managed to read your mind. But as soon as I think that you don’t care about me, you pull me close and look into my eyes so deeply, that I literally feel how much I mean to you, even though you don’t know me.

I don’t want you to know me because I don’t want you to know all the bad things about me. I don’t want you to know about my past and how many times I screwed up. I want you to see me as the “good girl” and never suspect of the bad things, the real things that I have in me. I want to be perfect for you because you seem so perfect to me.

I don’t want to take this any further. I like our situation undefined. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want flowers, I don’t need romantic dates, I don’t need promises, and I don’t need to get bored.

I want you. I want to hug you when I feel like it. I don’t want to complicate what we have by such pointless labels as relationships. I want to live in the moment with you. And I hope you want it too.

I am scared of losing you. Even though we’re undefinable, I’m terrified of losing you. You’re the one real thing that I have in my life, and the thought of going back to what I was before is even more terrifying.

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to give you false hopes. I want you to fall in love with me, but at the same time I don’t because I have been there, and it’s not easy. Commitment is hard and I’m scared I won’t be able to do it again. But… God, I like you… I like you way too much to let you go. TC mark

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