Thought Catalog
March 14, 2017

This Is Why I Wanted Us To End

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God&Man

My heart doesn’t forget how it felt for people. It doesn’t forget people it loved or people it hated. It doesn’t forget people it hurt or people who hurt it. My heart has a memory of steel. It remembers everything and it remembers you. Every night it remembers you. With the sky shining, it looks at the stars and wonders what could have been if I gave us another chance.

My heart aches a little every day because it remembers you and it knows it loved you, from its deepest bottom, it loved you. My heart remembers everything but on some days it wishes it didn’t. It’s on these days that it haunts me with questions like why couldn’t I wait. It’s on these days, when my feelings for you are stronger than my reasons, that it blames me for choosing to end us but I know, I know it will thank me later.

You see dear, I wanted us to end. I chose this with my mind before my heart because I knew I could see something. Something that my heart couldn’t see when it had two wings flying as you told me you loved me. Something that I had to notice when I focused more on your eyes as you said you loved me. When I focused on your voice as it uttered the three most beautiful words the same way you say something you don’t mean. I could see something. This is not the love you claim you feel, this is something less, way less.

I wanted us to end not because I didn’t love you but because I did. I did from all my heart. I did, I loved you like I never loved before, like you are the first person my heart has ever beaten for, more like you’re the person my heart was meant to beat for. I loved you and I couldn’t take it to have you loving me less.

I remembered that you asked me what I am expecting from you, what should you do. That was exactly it. I wasn’t expecting anything. I didn’t want to be the one who tells you what to do. Instead, I wanted you to figure it out, the same way I did. I wanted you to discover the ways you could love me, to see you could do so differently, to write new rules on how to make your partner happy or how to date or how to love because with me you are a new person.

I wanted you to do something, anything, to pull an effort maybe in whatever way you please. But you didn’t. You never did. I think you didn’t even know what I am, what my heart was made of and you never tried to know. You said you loved me like you said it a thousand times before, like loving me was not that burning fire in your heart that is only put down once I hear about it. You held my hand like it didn’t make your body shiver. You held me in your arms like you knew I ain’t the universe. I tell you that because I knew that it was the opposite of what I felt when I loved you. Because I saw you as the universe and holding your hand was like holding a star, you’re always grateful that you can see it but reaching it makes you forever grateful.

I wanted us to end because I am not a young girl. Because I loved you, I wanted to be mature enough to face myself that there’s a problem. The problem was not that you didn’t love me the same way I loved you, it was that I never thought you loved me at all and when we ended you proved my assumptions. Because you couldn’t defend yourself, because you didn’t ask for a chance where you could show your love more. Because when I said you didn’t love me, you didn’t say otherwise. I guess I knew it right then that I made the right decision.

I wanted us to end because part of me knew it that I deserve someone who is more than an almost lover.

Because I didn’t want us to end after many years when you finally face yourself with how you truly feel about me. Because I saw it in your eyes that you think there’s someone else for you and I wanted someone who chooses me because he knows I’m the one. I was done of people choosing me because I was good for them or because we would look alright. I wanted someone who chooses me because I am the one he has been looking for his whole life.

I wanted us to end because I was not short-sighted. I wanted a love that proves itself while it’s there not a love that’s only said in words. I wanted us to end because with a love like ours, where I’m giving you all my heart while you’re only giving me shreds of yours will end sooner or later but it’ll end with me more broken than I am now.

It’s not that I’m not broken now but when my heart remembers my reasons it rests a little. When my heart remembers that it deserves to not be half loved but to be fully loved. When it remembers that at the end of the day the one that matters is the one who wants to go all the way with me and for me, it knows that it’s okay to end it with the one who intended to be nothing but a station in my life.

I wanted us to end even though my heart is full of love for you, even though I wonder if I can ever love the same way or find someone I can give my heart to the same way and it is for nothing but that I can wish you a better life. I can wish you to feel a love like mine and have someone feeling it back. And I can know that I can live with my unreciprocated love but that I know I can not live with fake love. That is something I just can not choose. Not when I’m strong and true to myself I can’t.

I wanted us to end
even though deep down
I wish we didn’t have to.

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