14 More Old Words That Should Still Be Used Today
What it means: Truthful, honest.
As in: Be soothfast with me, bro: did you drunk-eat my Pringles last night?
What it means: A mania for writing love letters.
As in: How are things going with Greg?/ Oh, we broke up. I think he has erotographomania./ Oh my gosh I’ve heard of that — it’s like gonorrhea but worse, right?
What it means: A spoiled child.
As in: Want to go to the pool?/ No!/ How about we watch a movie?/ No!/ Are you hungry?/ No!/ Well then what do you want to do?/ iPad!/ iPads are for grown-ups, you mammothrept.
What it means: To execute by impaling on stakes or hooks.
As in: You picked up our dinner from Trader Joe’s instead of Whole Foods? What do I look like, one of those flash-in-the-pan yoga-lovers who try to pass bargain brands off for Lululemon? I will ganch you if you ever shop at Trader Joe’s again, do you understand me?
What it means: Lead pencil.
As in: Pop quiz, suckers, Scantron style! No. 2 keelivines only!
What it means: A sharp slap.
As in: Nice whisternefet, buddy! You show that Franzia who’s boss!
What it means: Looking for an argument.
As in: Are you kidding me? Harry Potter is far superior to Star Wars./ Ha! You wish. I’d put my money on Obi Wan over Dumbledore any day./ You’re kidding, right?/ No way. The Force is much stronger than some dumb “wand” that can supposedly perform “spells.”/ Now you’re just being diversivolent.
What it means: Sadness due to being stood up by one’s lady.
As in: Why has Joe been karaoke-ing Jewel songs all night?/ Give him a break, man, he’s super lasslorn.
What it means: To wink.
As in: This one time, I saw John Stamos on a plane, and he totally palpebrated at me. Swoooooooon.
What it means: Taking pleasure in others’ misfortune.
As in: Have you noticed how all of Maury’s shows revolve around paternity testing?/ Yeah. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he engaged in the epicaricacy of it all just for fun./ You don’t know any better./ Hey, Maury’s not like that, okay?
What it means: To leave hurriedly, suddenly, or secretly.
As in: Where are we going, Fraulein Maria? It’s the dead of night!/ We must absquatulate to the Swiss Alps, children, where we can sing and dance and have puppet shows forever.
What it means: Backwards.
As in: You bought your wedding dress before he even proposed? The one you Pinned last week?! That’s positively widdershins! Brilliant, but widdershins!
What it means: A big, fat lady.
As in: It ain’t over till the fussock sings.
What it means: Weak in the loins.
As in: So did you and Scott hook up last night?/ Ehh, he was a little elumbated, if you know what I mean.
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THE NSA IS WATCHING YOU.
Give thanks, love more, and smile often.
The sex that most people are doing now is actually just an invention of the patriarchy. It’s rape.
Do good things come to those who wait? Or do good things come to those who go out and get them?