i wondered if i should go into his apartment. standing there i suddenly remembered something i read: “we teach children not to go into stranger’s houses, so why do it as an adult?” and thought about how he seemed very nice and gentle, but remembered hearing about how rapists and murderers often came off like that. but i wanted more than anything to do this very adult thing, so i put everything out of my mind and nervously followed him in.
he apologized for the mess; he was in the middle of moving. his floor was completely covered in boxes and clothes and household things, except for a made-up mattress laying on the ground. probably most girls would have been put off by the state of his apartment, but i thought it looked interesting and was even pleased that this room was so far off from the romantic dreamscapes girls are supposed to want to lose their virginity in.
he left me alone by the door to go use the bathroom. not knowing what else to do, i put my purse on the ground near the door and walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.
he came over and sat next to me and we talked more, and then started to kiss. i laid down and he was sort of kneeling over me as we kissed.
“you’re a lovely girl.” his voice was kind of firm. i imagined he was expressing irritation with me for earlier telling him about being insecure about my looks. i felt uneasy for a moment.
i put my forearm across my forehead in order to hide my unplucked eyebrows that were visible now that he had pushed my bangs aside.
but then i reached for the top button of my blazer and struggled to unbutton the top button.
“can i?” he asked, his hands above my blazer.
“okay, if you can. these buttons are kind of hard…”
but he unbuttoned it quickly, with ease.
i was embarrassed that i was wearing an old plain white bra.
“no, i told you,” i said, and looked up to see if he was staring at my breasts, but he was to my surprise looking at my face. i wondered if he thought they were unattractive or if maybe he didn’t like breasts.
“i don’t think you did tell me.”
i pulled off my skirt and underwear, and then he moved his head down.
for a while i stared at the wall, and then i caught a glimpse of his head down inbetween my legs. i wondered what he was doing.
after a few minutes he came up and his face was hovering over mine again.
“did any guy ever do that to you before?!” he asked with nervous excitement. i could smell my pussy on his breath. i wondered if he was excited by the idea of being first.
i had felt his face and hair rubbing against my thighs, but nothing else. (a few years later i would learn i am completely unable to feel oral sex due to past sexual trauma.)
“…eat you out.”
“huh? yeah, of course,” i said nonchalantly, lying.
“you’re like, ‘well, duh.’ he said, kind of laughing, maybe embarrassed. i wondered if he was excited by the idea of being first.
he moved in to kiss me. i wanted him to kiss me, but i didn’t want him to think i would want something like that, so i turned my head to the side to dodge him. but he tried again, grinning big, and we kissed and i was excited by him forcing a kiss on me and forcing me to taste myself on his tongue.
then two of his fingers went into my vagina and it hurt tremendously. my eyes snapped shut and i started to moan both from pain and out of feeling an obligation to make him think i was enjoying it, and feeling like i wanted to excite him by moaning and groaning.
i peeked my eyes open and saw his face was right over mine, watching my reactions. he was grinning stupidly.
“god, you’re wet.”
he took his fingers out and held them up to the light. they were drenched. i wanted him to put his fingers in my mouth, but didn’t say anything. he wiped his fingers off on my inner thighs and i pretended to be grossed out by that.
“you’re like, ‘eww.’”
he started to finger me again, faster and faster and then started to roughly rub my clit and i was in so much pain i had to fight back tears. i wanted to fake an orgasm so he would stop, but i didn’t know how to or what women even acted like when they came.
i kept moaning louder and louder.
“tell me what you want,” he said.
i was too shy to say anything.
he kept fingering me for a while and then stopped and got on top of me, and through his briefs rubbed his erect cock on my crotch which i liked a lot.
“do you want this?” he asked, his voice was gentle and sweet.
“yeah…” i moaned.
“okay! let me go get a thing,” he said and bolted up.
i stared at his legs and ass in his green american apparel briefs as he walked across the room.
then he was kneeling down beside me, and i could hear him unwrapping a condom. i turned to look at him.
“you don’t really want to watch this, do you?”
i turned my head. i wondered why he would be embarrassed to be seen doing that.
then he said, “i think i put it on inside out…”
“oh my god” i said and started laughing. is this really how i’m going to lose my virginity?
“oh my god” he mimicked.
and i felt a bit offended and wondered if i wanted to have sex with someone who had teased me.
he got on top of me and i was in pain as he tried to penetrate me. i was moaning and maybe i sounded like a hurt kitten.
he put his mouth against my ear and shushed and whispered, “don’t be nervous.”
i wondered why he was saying that when i felt totally calm and relaxed. it was completely the right time for this to finally happen.
he struggled to penetrate me again, which hurt to the extent that i didn’t even notice when he did finally penetrate me until i lifted my head up and saw his cock going in and out of my vagina. it was so shocking and strange and interesting looking i wanted to keep staring at his cock going in and out, but i could tell he was looking at me staring and so i felt self conscious and laid my head back down.
even though i had been watching pornography regularly since elementary school this was so completely different than what i thought sex would be like.
i called out his name, thinking he would like that.
“god, you’re tight…” he moaned.
i wondered what that meant.
it hurt a lot. he was fucking me really hard and fast (later he would admit he was incredibly excited to be having sex with an 18 year old), but somehow i loved the feeling and thought things like, “it hurts, but it hurts so good…”
he went on fucking me for awhile, me laying there half out of my mind in this strange painful pleasure, moaning like a hurt kitten.
but i was suddenly overcome with shame, stemming from feeling disconnected from him and his body. i felt that this couldn’t have been good for him.
there was a strong feeling of awkwardness.