Reading Thought Catalog on my iPad, resplendent in my lime-green dashiki and sandals with knee-length white socks, I happened upon an article wherein a young lady claims she’s ugly. My curiosity got the best of me. I love looking at a drooling uggo first thing in the morning. It makes you feel great about yourself, ready for anything the day can throw your not-ugly way. After a good 10 minutes of browsing, I happened upon a photo of the alleged ogre.

What a fucking letdown. Seriously, you call that ugly? When I hear someone is “ugly,” I expect to see the face of a creature that waits under a bridge collecting tolls from unwitting bands of travelers. I want to see Lord of the Rings monster cosplay with no makeup required. I want to see a guy who looks like Kurt Cobain if he survived his suicide attempt. I want to see ugly, goddammit, and that was not ugly. What a fucking disappointment.

True ugliness is relatively rare, and with our exposure to Hollywood faux-uglies such as Steve Buscemi, we’ve all forgotten what true ugliness looks like. Recently, a heartbreaking reminder popped up by way of an Instagram photo of a disabled man named Jahmel Binion. In the saddest and most fucked-up story of the week, Jahmel’s selfie ended up being cruelly mocked by both Shaquille O’Neal and Waka Flocka Flame.

I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not going to get in on the fun and trash this guy’s looks. Having to go through life looking like that is bad enough. It gets even worse when basketball players who can’t shoot and semi-retarded Southern gangsta rappers are publicly making fun of your malformed melon. I won’t have any part in the cruel joke the gods have played on this poor soul.

Chances are that you, the reader, are not an ugly fuck. Granted, looks are subjective, so a few people might find you unsightly. But unless the vast majority of people do, you don’t classify as ugly in my book.

But what if you are? Maybe you’re one of the unlucky ones whose genetics have doomed you to a life of people thinking you’re retarded when they first meet you. Your smashed and twisted nose and lips drip with drool and snot. Your skin is so red and splotchy that your face resembles a focaccia that was left in a wet plastic bag for a week. Your eyes are crooked and awkwardly cocked with puffy, wrinkly bags of flesh dangling squishy and scrotum-like beneath them.

Well, cheer up, Rocky Dennis! If you’re just now realizing that you’re hideous, that means you’re still young enough to do something about it.

Here’s what you need to do:

Make tons of money. You can use the cash to buy nice clothes, plastic surgery, and rounds of drinks for the entire bar. You think anyone cares that the guy buying them free shots looks like his face absorbed every stab and gouge of a botched abortion? Hell, no! Look, everybody—this round is on my boy Quasimodo here!

You need to do everything in your power to keep people looking everywhere except your face. Work out like a maniac and have a toned, perfect body. Don’t cheat on your diet. It’s not fair, but you can’t afford to put on a few pounds like everyone else can. Order a salad.

Hide your face as much as possible. Have a weekly costume party at your house so you can meet people while wearing a mask. Make sure your speaking voice is loud enough to have a conversation from across the room. Always have adorable, fluffy pets around, and hold them in front of your face while on dates.

Go to a porn site and find the weirdest, nastiest shit you can. Try these search terms: fisting, ass to mouth, horse, swapping, pegging, crushing, and golden showers. You won’t necessarily have to do any of these, but you’ll need to be willing. The words “Gross, I don’t do that!” should never emerge from your cruddy lips. I’m sorry, but if you want to get laid, you’re going to have to fuck like someone who’s got something seriously wrong with them.

Oh yeah, and make sure you have a great personality, too. No one likes a ghastly asshole.

Again, the vast majority of you reading this are not ugly. However, with obesity statistics in the US being what they are, you are most likely fat. So put down that donut and hit the gym, you beautiful tub of good-looking lard.