Edward James Olmos Is Latino And He Really, Really, Really Wants Everyone To Know It

People who walk around blasting vuvuzelas about their ethnicity are the dullest creatures on Earth. The ones who demand you join their ethnic-pride-trumpeting activities reach subterranean depths of boring—levels usually reserved for bridal showers and condo association meetings.

Edward James Olmos just hit boring’s bottom floor in a dull grey elevator.

In an interview on Telemundo, Olmos criticized Jennifer Lopez for not being Hispanic enough. Here’s what his zit-pits said:

“¡Odelay vato! ¡Ariba! ¡Ariba! ¡You quiero Taco Bell! ¿Donde esta la biblioteca?”

Whoops, sorry! I forgot to translate it. OK, here it is again, but in English:

Speaking about J-Lo, he said “I told her, ‘You have to understand that the future is in your hands, and I hope you use it not only to advance who you are but also to promote what we represent, as Latino women and men.’…She has done a lot of things, but she has not dedicated herself to her culture, and that is the most important thing to me.”

I don’t know about you, but I need a café con leche to wake me up after reading that.

Ever since the tragic Mexican jumping bean accident that left his face covered in shame craters, Edward Enchilada Cartel-Olmos has made it his business to be a Latino first and an actor second.

Since he knows what’s best for anyone else with a Spanish surname, Edward James Chimichanga-Olmos wants all Latinos to be like him and make it their first priority to promote their culture.

First of all, you hamburger-faced dickhole, you and Jennifer Lopez don’t really share a culture. J-Lo and I are both Puerto Rican; we have that in common. You’re Mexican. Different country. Different culture.

Secondly, Eduardo Santiago Horchata-Olmos seems to have a major misunderstanding of the way immigrants and their children assimilate in America. You see, assimilation is the goal for most immigrants. Immigration without assimilation is just invasion. And no matter what some rifle-wielding Arizonan fence-builders may think about immigrants, most of them come here in order to become Americans. For people from poor Spanish-speaking countries, learning English and becoming American is their only shot at a better life for them and their kids.

Immigrants and their children who are assimilating tend to have a mix of identity. They identify with the culture of their homeland as well as American culture. This is normal. It’s also normal for the mix to go a little further to the American side as time goes on. Immigrants know this. My grandfather never criticized me for not being Latino enough. I guess he wouldn’t be Latino enough for Mr. Stand and Deliver, either.

Edward James Leafblower-Olmos would not approve of me. That’s fine. I’ve known assholes like him all my life, people who think that being Hispanic means running around with your country’s flags tumbling out of your ass like some sort of deranged mariachi singer. And just like the rest of them, he can suck a Hefty bag of chorizos.

It’s fine to love where you and your family come from, but be cool about it. Let everyone form their own identity and we’ll all pretend your face doesn’t look like it survived the Alamo.

Deal?