3 Everyday Activities That Are Completely Racist

Most people would probably agree that racism is bad. Then again, every rule has its exceptions. Honesty is the best policy—until your girl says, “You’ll tell me when you’re going to cum, right?” and you nod yes as your eyes roll back in your head. You never go ass-to-mouth unless she wants you to; then it’s time to throw caution to the wind and hope she has good health insurance.

Finding exceptions to rules is a hobby for me. So what about the “racism is bad” rule? Are there exceptions to that? I think so.

All right, here we go! Let’s get racist!

1. Walking at night is racist

Have you ever seen that weird smile that chimps make when they’re frightened? When I lived in the suburbs, white ladies would make that face at me when they crossed my path at night. As they watched me walk my dog, a terrifying 12-pound Shorkie Tzu, their fear was palpable.

I never heard anything like, “Amy, there’s a brown in our neighborhood!” but I’m pretty sure there was a racial element to their scared reactions. Maybe the poor things were worried I would get all Puerto Rican Day Parade on their asses.

Safety at night is largely an exercise in profiling, racial and otherwise. When I walk around at night, I’m constantly profiling everyone I see. I’m trying to figure out their economic status by looking at their clothes, because a poor person is more likely to be desperate enough to rob. I’m trying to figure out how aggressive someone is or how likely it is that they’re a gang member. Race plays some element in the various things I’m sizing up in order to protect myself.

It really bothers me to admit that, but it’s true.

Staying safe at night puts you in a situation where profiling hurts no one, but not doing it can get you robbed or worse. Everyone does it. I remember one time in Queens, I saw a group of four Hispanics hop out of a van in hoodies. Something about them didn’t look right, and I deliberately crossed the street to avoid them.

So when white chicks crossed the street to avoid me at night in the ‘burbs, I couldn’t blame them. Besides, how can you stay mad at white girls? With their college degrees and those cute little pink vaginas with matching pink nipples—they’re adorable! So even if they were avoiding me or nervously smiling in fear, I did my best to smile back and put them at ease. Then I raped them.

2. Apartment hunting is racist

The last time I searched for a new apartment and found a good listing, I decided to check out Google Street View to see what the neighborhood was like. What I found was about 20 terrifying brown guys in long white T-shirts. And I say that as a brown guy who doesn’t wear long white T-shirts. With the way they were all glaring at the camera, I’m surprised the photo came out as anything more than motion blur from the speed of the Google Street View car’s peel-out.

The process of finding an apartment and the subsequent months of living in a new neighborhood turned me into a big-time profiler. I got excited every time I saw a white girl walking a small dog. White girls with small dogs mean coffee shops and gentrification, and that’s what I wanted. Gay couples mean expendable income to pour into local businesses. One time I saw a gay couple kissing, and my girlfriend had to hold me back from running over to offer my asshole as a welcome to the neighborhood.

I never greeted Hispanics with the same enthusiasm unless they were hipster Mexicans—sad, but true. Apartment hunting made me a little racist against my own shade.

3. Watching porn is racist

I’ve never discriminated against any particular race when it comes to girls in porn, but the guys are another story.

It seems like male porn stars are almost always either white or black. For a straight man such as myself, the penis in the video is only there to serve as a stand-in for mine, and it’s never quite the right shade of brown. So I constantly have to adjust my screen brightness up and down to try and get a match. Do you know how hard that is to do with one hand?

So there’s my attempt at justifying racism in three very specific scenarios. Racism in any situation other than the three I’ve listed here will result in a stern talking-to from Rachel Maddow and the loss of your job or your basketball team.

I’ll be back in a few days with my next defense of a reprehensible position: “Rape Is OK If It’s In Self-Defense.” See you then!