I Am In Love With Your Boyfriend
I could sit here and write a list of all of the reasons why you shouldn’t be threatened by me. I could tell you that I have never thought about him in “that way.” I could tell you that I have known him for so many years that if something were going on between us, it would have happened by now. I could tell you that he gets stale breath in the mornings and therefore I could never wake up and kiss him. I could tell you that he is too tall and skinny for me and that track runners just “aren’t my type.” I could tell you that I know way too much about his past relationships to ever want to get involved with him. I could tell you that sometimes he is just too laid back and boring for my extroverted personality. I could tell you that I would never want to do anything to jeopardize my friendship with him.
I could tell you those things. But I won’t. The truth is… I am in love with your boyfriend. The truth is that I do think about him in “that way” and have since I laid eyes on him for the first time six years ago. The truth is, something has happened between us by now. The truth is, he asked me if he could kiss me while we stood on the curb outside of my house six years ago — and I said yes. The truth is I have held his hand with fingers locked. The truth is I have climbed on top of him with my shirt off while he played with my panty line. The truth is I have watched him climb down from my college dorm room loft completely naked after a three-hour make-out session. The truth is I have blown him while the room spun around us after ten games of beer pong. The truth is I have sent and received nude pictures during long lulls and sexual frustration. The truth is he has watched me undo my bath towel and dress in black lingerie with a smile on his face. The truth is, he and I have a long history of more than just friendship. The truth is, I have known him for years while you have known him for mere seconds.
The truth is, I love that he has stale breath in the morning because I don’t have to be self conscious about mine. The truth is, that he may be tall and skinny, but Michelangelo could not have carved a more perfect specimen. The truth is I know so much about his past relationships that I have learned from them and will avoid making the same mistakes those other girls did. The truth is, he isn’t boring, he is gentle — the perfect ying to my high tempered yang. He is the calm before my storm… and after my storm. The truth is that I would never do anything to jeopardize my friendship with him, but I would do anything to make him more than just my friend. The truth is, I am in love with your boyfriend.
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When I was a kid, I dreamed of my mid-20s. Seriously, you remember those awkward moments of junior high, high school, and even college when you just thought, “Goddamnit, I wish I were a real adult,” right?
10. Make sure your lips are always chapped by constantly licking them and never applying chap stick.
23. Respect that there will always be a few things in the fridge that are absolutely and completely off-limits, but share a bottle of wine or a couple beers every now and again in the spirit of friendship.
Pull them closer in their sleep.