Thought Catalog
June 16, 2017

10 Things I’ve Never Said Out Loud To 10 Different People

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What is the issue?
Jan Phoenix

Because if you can’t say it to their face, you might as well say it on the Internet.

1. Nothing in my life has been the same since you left.
I always knew that you would do great things, but I wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt when doing great things meant leaving me behind in ways I never expected. I know you’ll always be there for me, and I know we’ll always pick up right where we left off, no matter how much time has passed. I am really, really proud of you. But I am also really, really sad.

2. I’m not really sure if you like me or not, and that’s an uncertainty I don’t enjoy struggling with. Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone to talk to when you’re bored. We never hang out. You never stop by. You’re always “busy.” I’m never invited to anything unless it consists of a large group of other people that you will end up talking to instead of me. I can tell you anything, yet I barely even see you. I’ve told you secrets that probably aren’t safe and feelings that have probably been ridiculed. I truly think the world of you, but I have no idea what you think of me.

3. I thought of myself as your friend. I was there for you. I listened to you. I opened up to you about things that were none of your business in retrospect. I gave you cigarette money. And you repay me by acting like a five year old, all because I stood my ground and said no to you that one time. Now I honestly can’t stand you, and any sort of kindness I show you is faked. So tell me – was it worth it?

4. Girls can be pretty mean to each other. One sideways comment or stab in the back or passive aggressive action, and all the claws come out. But it’s pretty amazing what can happen when you stop foaming at the mouth and plotting the ultimate revenge long enough to see a human being who’s just like you – a human being who’s having a really hard time and just wants to put one foot in front of the other without knocking too many people down along the way. You and I aren’t so different. I still can’t bring myself to like you very much, but we’re not so different. And maybe that’s exactly why I don’t like you. Because I don’t like myself, and I see so much of myself in you.

5. I think about contacting you almost every single day, but I could never do that. Not to you, certainly not to myself, and absolutely not to the person who loves me the way I always wished you would. You’re a dead plant, and I’m all out of water and sunlight. As long as you don’t hate me and still think about me from time to time, I can live with that much.

6. You do so much for other people and not enough for yourself. That’s why you feel empty. That’s why you feel small. Having a big heart is only a bad thing if you allow others to take advantage of it. You must fill your own cup before you can fill anyone else’s. Always remember that.

7. No one wants to see you with him more than I do.
No one has ever looked at him the way you have looked at him, and he has never looked at anyone the way he looks at you. But between you and me, loving someone with rules and restrictions is one of the deepest sorrows imaginable. If you wait for him, you may very well be waiting your whole life. So let him lose you. Let him really, truly lose you. If he wants to be with you badly enough, he will come for you and he will not give up until he wins you back for good. If he doesn’t, you will know exactly where you stand. I really want him to realize what he has with you. But I also want you to be as happy as I was when I freed myself of the exact same type of relationship you’re in right now.

8. No matter where life takes us, how much time has passed, or what threatens to come between us, I will always be your friend. Because you have always been mine.

9. I’m so used to being disliked, alienated and rejected to some degree that I can’t help but be skeptical of your vast love for me. I’m so used to the voice in my head that tells me every relationship I ever try to maintain will end in disappointment that I can’t help but build walls between us and push you away. I’m so used to goodbyes and changing minds that I can’t help but feel defensive, as if you’re putting on a hell of a show and the hammer will fall at any moment. You constantly reassure me that you’re not going anywhere – that you intend to put a ring on my finger and take care of me for the rest of my life. And I constantly tell myself that the bottom will fall out and I will lose you. Please prove me wrong.

10. You are my biggest secret and my freshest wound. I’ve finally come to terms and found peace with your very existence after months of fearing it would never happen. All I can say at this point is that I am hardly a character in your story, and there’s no reason for you to be a character in mine. But if you ever are, I’ll have plenty of room.