1. If you don’t watch your drink carefully, something really bad might happen to you.
2. Do a lap around the club/bar before you settle on a spot to stand. That way everybody can see your fabulous outfit!
3. Drink plenty of water. And if it gets too hot, run to the bathroom and pat yourself off/down with water.
4. If you cut through the crowd — the line to get into the club, the line to use the bathroom, the line to get to the bartender — you might get jacked up. Nobody likes a line cutter.
5. Also, if someone really, really attractive is talking to you, so attractive that you think they might be out of your league, they might be a prostitute!
6. If you ever have to ask “Do you know who I am,” chances are…they don’t.
7. Everyone who shows up in a party bus or rented limousine gets laughed at.
8. Once inside the club, everyone lies — about their age, about their job, about their STD status. TRUST NO ONE.
9. It’s never a good idea to have sex in the bathroom. It shouldn’t be that urgent! And if it is, find a dark cubby or corner somewhere to get your thing on. Do you really want to get it poppin’ in a space where who knows WHAT has happened?
10. It’s always easier if you stash your coat check tag in your wallet. Though I suppose if you lose that, too, you’re shit out of luck!
11. “I’ll be right back” always means “Thanks for the free drink bai!!!”
12. Never. Wear. Flip. Flops. To. The. Club. Ever!!!
13. Everybody looks wayyyyy hotter under low and/or black lighting. Be sure you examine your nightly hook ups in full, fluorescent lighting before you invite them back to your bed.
14. Do not ask a DJ to play some dumb song you heard on the radio.
15. When you make a train with all your BFFs through the dance floor, everybody is judging you and everybody hates you.
16. Always tip the bartender.
17. Never wear your good stuff to the club. I mean, you want to look cute obvi, but don’t wear your best best stuff unless you never want to wear it again.
18. It is never ok to spill your drink on someone, even if after they say “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” THEY ARE LYING.
19. The person who is going to grope you will be wearing a collared shirt and probably has a very fancy business card.
20. If you’re trying to get into a hot, exclusive club, acting like your home is a bridge and/or possibly a tunnel is not the way to go!
21. Taking pictures is always a bad idea. Not just because you’re going to look like a poser, but because it is so dark in there that you are just going to look like a blob.
22. People who LOVE music are going to be standing right in front of the speakers.
23. It’s okay to be the first person dancing. The floor will fill up before you know it! And later, someone is going to praise you for your “eccentric’ dancing style.
24. The person dancing like they’ve lost their mind is the one with the drugs.
25. The best way to flirt with someone is to dance in their dance space. That’s what the intimacy of the dance floor is all about. No need to be creepy.
26. The bouncer always wins. Never argue with the bouncer — not about why you’re not getting in, not about why he took your ID. There’s no winning.