7 People Who Will Be At Your High School Reunion
1. The Person Who Has Had A LOT Of Kids (But No Career)
It’s not that there’s anything specifically wrong with having kids, per se. More that you haven’t had any yourself because you’ve been so focused on your career or your art or maybe you just don’t want any right little brats right now. Either way this person is all about family family FAMILY and basically has no other identity outside of that. Not that you’re judging, because you. are. not. But when you talk about your life and all the things singledom has afforded you and all the places your job takes you, you can feel the pangs of jealousy. At the same time, a (small!!!) piece of you wonders when you’ll get to start your own family. Text your assistant to see if you can schedule it in.
2. The Hot Person Who Really Let Themselves Go
You fantasized about them everyday in Math class and you doodled their name on the inside of your TrapperKeeper whenever things got boring in Trig. You knew the two of you would never date but you still idolized them in a way, thinking they could do no wrong. Their features were so perfect, and every time you walked past their locker you’d try to wave and smile but s/he never even noticed. You’re not friends on Facebook so you literally haven’t seen them since graduation. Three kids, a second wife, a beer belly and a receding hairline later you’re glad you dodged THAT bullet.
3. The Geek Person Who Got Hot
Geeks are the bones of every high school. Not because they’re busy getting stuffed in lockers, but because they’re the only ones who aren’t pretending. Everyone else is pretending — pretending to be popular, pretending to be cool, pretending to be something they are not, pretending to like or care about the cool kids. But geeks don’t pretend, and they will always turn out hotter than you. People always get hotter as they get older because they grow into their features and finally learn what to do with their bodies. All of that takes time to figure out, time away from the ridiculous peer pressure of high school. It’s only fair that people who were made fun of get HOT after they snatch those braces off and grow into their bodies more.
4. The Person Who Never Moved Away And Is Still Friends With The People From Your Graduating Class
You always felt like an outsider in your high school. You didn’t have that many friends, and you were determined to make something of yourself and move as far away as possible from those idiots. How could you be successful if you stayed in town? Sure, you’re friends on Facebook with some of these people but it’s merely another way for you to judge their life choices. Every time you see people from your high school tag each other in photos you think, “Really? Are you guys still doing that? Is this still a thing?”
5. The Person Who Became Really Successful At Something They Were Already Doing In High School
Success is devoting yourself to a single idea and pursuing that idea 100%. People who are successful pretty much know what they want to do before they leave high school, so chances are the successful person in your graduating class was already doing stuff related to their area of expertise, even if they got made fun of it at the time. Now who has the last laugh!
6. The Person Who Only Comes To The Reunion Show Off
This is the person who was teased, relentlessly mocked and made to feel subhuman basically every day for four years. High school really messes with our brains and confidence levels. That’s the only reason people go back to their reunions in rented limousines and black cars and helicopters and make up careers and fabricate amazing stories about what they’re doing now even though they’re not doing anything. REVENGE!!! But who cares about what people thought of you when you were in high school? We were all pretending then — pretending to be popular, pretending to like the popular people, pretending to care at all. No matter what I guarantee you’re much more fabulous now than you were then.
7. The Person Who Was Secretly Dating The Western Civilization Teacher And Now They Are Married.
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If you’ve been looking for a chance to say something then this very well could be it.
I wish to God I’d had a list like this when I was 23.
Answer phones better than anyone else has answered phones before. Relay messages so brilliant, they bring people to tears. Turn the coffee run into the choreography of Swan Lake. Become best friends with every intern and every underling and every taxi driver you encounter.
I remember taking the pen and notebook from that woman outside the courtroom, flipping to a clean page in the book, and writing, JESSICA IS SAD in big, bold, uncoordinated letters. “My sister is going to be a good writer someday! Look at how nice her lines are!”