January 22, 2013

An Open Letter To Beyoncé’s Weaves

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What is the issue?

Hey, girl, hey—

Girl you know Beyoncé loves a lace front. Her lace fronts are placed honey — a magical sight. You can’t tell the difference between a Beyoncé weave and an actual, full head of hair. That’s because Miss Bey don’t fool with that $2.99 Kankelaon mess you get at Kiki’s Beauty Supply House over on Natural Bridge. At the Inauguration yesterday Beyoncé served us that executive, PRESIDENTIAL weave. Yaaasss. Come and meet these 27 shades of blonde.

Did you know that when you Google “lace front,” BEYONCE is the first thing that pops up? I know! Amazing, right? Then there are all those YouTube tutorials showing girls and fabulous gays how to get that Beyoncé lace front look, the world’s closest guarded secret. And there’s even an ehow page dedicated to How to Get A Good Beyonce Weave!!!

You guys work so hard to keep Miss Beyoncé together. No, seriously. Her lace front moments are always on point, and she wouldn’t be as famous without you. Everybody knows it’s all about the hair. You know it, and she definitely knows it. That’s why she pays hundreds of thousands of dollars to have her weaves plucked from exotic hair forests, flown around on private jets and sewn in by eccentric people with names that include numbers and symbols.

But it’s not just that her weaves are laid, it’s that she knows what to do with them. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Beyoncé performance that didn’t have some serious haircrobatics going on. Remember that high ponytail from “Ring the Alarm”?

Or how about the way she gets weave-tastic and goes totally cray cray in her mash-up of “If I Were A Boy” and Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know”?

Does that ever get exhausting for you? Like do you ever get tired of being whipped around all over the place? Also, HOW DO YOU STAY IN amidst all the dancing and wind machines? Even Naomi Campbell’s bald ass has let her tracks slip through the cracks — but not Beyoncé. WHAT IS THE SECRET? Also I’m just wondering if you could maybe give me the number of the person who puts the weaves in?

Peace, Love, and that good Remy Indian Hair,

Shantay TC mark

Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
Featureflash / Shutterstock.com
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